


When Night Falls

by Foolmetwice



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gang World, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homelessness, Mentions of Mental Illness, Plot, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2019-09-12 20:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16878933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foolmetwice/pseuds/Foolmetwice
Summary: Nine girls from nine different backgrounds cross paths as time goes on, until eventually they're one big family, and they can't remember a time when they weren't.





	1. Magnets

**Author's Note:**

> Highschool/messed-up-kids au. Warning: physical/domestic abuse, mentions of mental illness, drug/alcohol abuse & other sensitive topics. I guarantee a happy ending, even if there's angst and cliffhangers along the way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tzuyu just wants to feel accepted. Chaeyoung wants to punch a cop. Sana's gonna leave her old life on read. Dahyun just wants to keep everyone alive.

Tzuyu had never been much of a dreamer, but she’d at least had a clear image of where she didn’t want to end up at 17. It seemed life had a different plan for her.

 

Growing up she’d been used to moving from city to city, country to country, her father getting stationed in different parts of the world. She found it easy enough to adapt, and her mother looked after her brother most of the time, so all she really had to worry about was school.

 

School was a place meant for expanding young minds with knowledge and lessons that students will carry with them through life and whatever challenges they face. For Tzuyu, it was a place where no matter how hard she tried to focus on only her studies, she always found herself being pulled into trouble.

 

It started when she was 15, the first day at a new school was nothing out of the ordinary for the teenager, but her mother had asked her to try and make friends, hoping it would help with the girl’s shyness. She found friends easily enough, they approached her first, and Tzuyu didn’t think anything of it.

 

It wasn’t until she was 16, doubled over in a park and emptying the contents of her stomach, because nobody had told her that codeine and food don’t mix, and that it doesn’t matter how hungry you are after finishing off a full cup of lean you really shouldn’t let your friends talk you into scarfing down 3 slices of cheese pizza.

 

It wasn’t until she was standing there, hands on her knees and head bent forward, trying to stop her world from spinning that she realized the assholes surrounding her and laughing at the state she was in instead of asking if she was okay, were in fact not really her friends, because they didn’t _really_ give a shit about her. But what could she do, honestly? She didn’t know anyone else in town despite having lived there for just a little over a year and she hated being alone. 

 

She wanted to fit in, she wanted to feel like she finally belonged somewhere and really, who could blame her? She’d never felt like she had a home wherever her family travelled to, and her relationship with her parents wasn’t exactly close. She wanted love, no, _acceptance._ Because while the group of troublemakers she hungout with weren’t perfect, they never made her feel like a freak, something her own family wouldn’t understand how to do, and she figured this was the best she could get, and really, could it get any worse than this?

 

The answer, undoubtedly, was that yes, of course it could get worse. And it did.

 

Her parents never really bothered to ask what she did when she wasn’t home; they just assumed she was at the library or with friends. Her father was never around, but her mother was happy that she’d finally broken out of her shell, and she questioned nothing. 

 

It wasn’t until the older woman began to notice small changes about her daughter. Like how she’d show up wearing clothes that were too expensive to have been bought by their family, to which the young girl would reply with “I borrowed this from a friend." Her mother knew better. 

 

Or how she was staying out too late and only returning home at sunrise, looking a mess but the older woman had searched her and found no evidence of drugs or drinking, so she couldn’t make any accusations just yet.

 

One morning though, -and Tzuyu still has nightmares about this day, although she wouldn’t admit it to Chaeyoung if the older girl asked- she’d come home piss drunk, crawled in through her bedroom window and managed not to wake anyone up in the process. It was a routine she was used to, and most of the time it worked, and when it didn’t she would lie and tell her mother she’d been over at one of her friends’ houses studying late. She'd tell her that they’d lost track of time and she’d fallen asleep, only to wake up and realize she had to get home. So her friend’s mother had driven her home, to which she’d came in through the window so not to wake up her family.

 

She thought it sounded believable enough, her mother thought it was odd, but Tzuyu had never been rebellious, or a cause for concern. She didn’t have a reputation and she hid everything pretty well, so really her mother couldn’t assume anything. 

 

But that specific morning, Tzuyu had done her usual routine of tiptoeing around the house, chucking off the clothes she’d worn to whatever party she went to and throwing them into the washing machine before her mother could wake up and find them, wondering why they reeked of alcohol, _etc._

 

She stuffed them all into the machine, along with some towels in the basket of dirty clothes in the laundry room. Tzuyu then made her way to the bathroom, hoping to get a quick shower in before her mother had to wake up to get her brother ready for school. She was able to do so before the others awoke, and rushed out of the house just as her mother was walking out of her room, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and muttering a good morning.

 

Even though she spent most nights at parties, or running about drunkenly through the streets with her friends, -being reckless and dumb and doing things teenagers shouldn’t be thinking of- she always made sure to go to her classes the next morning. She still cared about her education, and didn’t want her mother to find out that anything was out of the ordinary. It was just a matter of time for the truth to catch up to Tzuyu, because in her drunken stupor, she’d forgotten to turn the washing machine on, or check the clothes she’d been wearing for any evidence of the previous night’s adventures.

 

Her mother had walked into the laundry room, planning to put a load of dirty towels and clothes in early so that she could head out to the grocery store while her children were at school and not have to worry about the laundry waiting for her at home, but she’d discovered something else. The scent hit her as soon as she opened the washing machine door, and for a moment, she couldn’t figure out what it was.

 

She pulled out a few pieces from inside, wondering if she’d put a load in the night before and forgotten to throw them into the drying machine, to which they’d earned the foul smell from soaking in water all night, but pushed that thought aside as she noticed the items were bone dry. She’d had the luck of pulling out Tzuyu’s jacket first, and from its pockets fell a small pipe, a dime bag, and a lighter. She was rooted in place, there was no way this was Tzuyu's... right?

 

Her fury led her out of the laundry room, and directly into her daughter’s bedroom, where she proceeded to throw everything onto the ground. Her closet was emptied and its contents spread onto the floor, following after it was her dresser drawers and any storage box she could get her hands on. 

 

Tzuyu wasn’t stupid, but sometimes she let herself be fooled by the false sense of security her home provided her with. Like thinking she wouldn’t get caught if she stuffed a few rolls of cash into an unused suitcase at the bottom of her closet, or a plastic bag with pills of all colours in the back of her sock drawer, because her parents didn’t pay much attention to her anyway.

 

She was wrong, obviously, because her mother found it all, and threw all of the evidence she’d gathered into a box, but not before calling Tzuyu’s father and letting him know of the situation. 

 

Imagine the young girl’s shock, when she received a text message from her mother, telling her to come home for dinner because her father was home for the night, only to follow those instructions and be met with a terrible scene when she walked through the front door.

 

She knew, she knew it as soon as she opened the door and stepped inside, when she saw the box her mother held so tightly in her arms. She felt it deep in her gut, they _knew._

 

And now they were going to get rid of her, send her away, or they’d relocate somewhere halfway across the world and she’d lose the life she’d finally grown accustomed to here.

 

She was scared, which was an emotion she didn’t admit to feeling very often, but it was there, in the pit of her stomach, and it locked her legs in place as her father approached her. He was red in the face, eyes wide and bright as he spat insult after insult at her, shaking her violently by the shoulders, but she didn’t hear any of it. She blocked it out, like she’d learned so well to do in the past and it was only when his fist collided with her cheek that she was brought back to the scene in front of her.

 

She’d been knocked to the ground from the blow, but apparently punching her in the face hadn’t been enough and he’d decided to knee her in the stomach as well, finishing it off with a few blows to her ribs. 

 

When she looked up all she saw was the disappointing look he held in his eyes, and her mother, standing behind him, eyes cold and mouth set in a straight line.

 

They didn’t accept her, she knew they wouldn’t, and it wasn’t just the drugs swimming in her veins and up to her mind convincing her of it either, she could see it in the way they treated her, like she was a problem they’d been forced to deal with,.A  _mistake._

 

She knew it from the way her cheek stung, the skin there bright red. She knew from the ache in her abdomen too. Most of all, she knew from her mother’s tone as she told her daughter to pack lightly, because a life on the streets was hard enough without the added weight of a heavy bag carry on on your shoulders. 

 

She didn’t have many belongings to begin with, but she grabbed what she could think would be of use to her, mostly clothes and hygiene items.

 

All the while, her mother stood at her bedroom door, eyeing her as she packed a duffel bag, as her tears fell shamelessly, as she sobbed and begged her mother to change her mind, she was too young to be thrown out, to be left to fight for survival. But her mother wouldn’t budge, and her father hadn’t ever really liked her to begin with, so the decision was clear.

 

There was no goodbye as she walked out the door, she didn’t even get a chance to look back and see their faces one last time, because they slammed it shut as soon as she stepped out. They hadn’t allowed her to bring any photos, or things to remember any of them by, and her brother had been at daycare, unaware of what was happening.

 

She hoped she wouldn’t forget their faces, but as the tears and sadness eventually turned to hurt and anger, she really, really, hoped she _would._

 

The first night was hard, she wasn’t unaccustomed to being out in the dark alone. She hadn’t slept in so long, and her feet were dragging against the concrete as she racked her brain for possible solutions, thinking of anyone who would let her crash at their place for a while. Only one name came to mind. _Kim Dahyun._

 

She’d met the older girl through another friend: Minatozaki Sana. Now _that_ girl was trouble, but then again, they _all_ were. 

 

They hung out at this local place that showcased plenty of music events. The whole thing was a cover up for drugs, prostitution, money laundering. People would pay an entrance fee, earning them access to the underground level where they could enjoy whatever shitty local bands were playing that night, and in the crowd would be recruiters. If newcomers were looking to purchase drugs or some type of service, and the recruiters thought they seemed legit ( _a lot of undercover cops showed up sometimes, security is the key to survival, alright?),_ they’d invite you upstairs, where you could meet one of the dealers. 

 

Clients name their product, dealers name their price, and if there’s any trouble, the muscle in the room will handle it.

 

Everyone who went there called it _Jae’s_ in honor of the man who’d built it from the ground up. The 2nd and 3rd floors were for tenants, most of them having been running from some type of trouble at some point in their lives before Jae had found them, providing them with safety in exchange for services. The floors above it were where he handled business.

 

Tzuyu went every week-end like clockwork, it was a routine. Except this Saturday night, the young girl showed up with a duffel bag slung over her shoulder, puffy eyes like she’d been crying for hours, and bruises beginning to form on the left side of her face. 

 

Dahyun wasn’t dumb, she knew the signs. It had been less than 24 hours since she’d last seen the girl at the show from the previous night, and she could tell by the circles beneath her eyes that she hadn’t slept since.

 

She took Tzuyu up to the 2nd floor, where the younger girl spilled everything to Dahyun, who simply listened and let her shoulder be cried on. She knew it would eventually happen, most parents are bound to react horribly when they find out their child, whom they thought to be perfect, is secretly running off and doing less than _normal_ things behind their backs.

 

She’d never judged Tzuyu, but she had hoped that the young girl would eventually realize this wasn’t a life she should be living, and get the proper help to put her back on the right track. She was so smart, and she had so much potential, unlike some of the others who hung around a place like this. They weren’t all bad, some were just unlucky to end up here.

 

Tzuyu though, she’d talked to Dahyun about wanting to go to university and pursue studies in biology, something about studying species of animals that the older girl hadn’t quite understood, but supported nonetheless. 

 

Now she was homeless, thrown out by her parents and left to figure it out before even being able to finish high school.

 

Dahyun hated them, she decided, because in the months that she’d grown closer to Tzuyu, the younger girl had proven to be nothing but a kind soul, even if she made mistakes and could be immature at times. She cared for those around her and that was something rare to see, and for them to throw her out so effortlessly on their part, it struck something inside of the older girl. 

 

Tzuyu looked at Dahyun as an older sibling, she’d told her so, to which the older girl had barked out a laugh at first, joking that she wasn’t even that much older than her, just a year her senior.

 

She accepted it though; she took Tzuyu under her wing, sheltered her from as much as she could, and looked after her well-being. It started with getting the younger girl a temporary place to stay.  It wasn’t perfect. All of the rooms were occupied, but Tzuyu was given permission to crash in a storage closet under the stairs between the 2nd and 3rd floor. There was a door that locked, and while it was cramped, the young girl was grateful for the roof over her head. It wasn’t even big enough to fit a mattress, so she laid all of her clothes on the floor and slept over them, with her knees up to her chest because of the lack of space.

 

Dahyun even helped get her a part time job at a local call center to pay for food and school expenses, because she wasn’t about to let the younger girl drop out of her classes. She needed to have something to look forward to, something to give her hope. 

 

Hope was a luxury that most of them didn’t have, but someone like Tzuyu needed to hold onto any small bit of it she could find. If she lost it, she might end up like them, and god forbid that should ever happen.

 

It wasn’t easy but it worked out, for the most part. 

 

Tzuyu would wake up, go to school, and head to work in the evenings after classes. She'd come back to Jae’s when her shift was over, using a flashlight to study in the dark, before finally passing out from exhaustion. 

 

Most nights were spent drinking or getting high, a habit she hadn’t yet learned to give up on, but that was the routine. And Tzuyu worked really well with routines. It helped her life feel in order; gave her a sense of control and stability. She felt alright, although she was still scared about the future and unsure where she’d end up, at least the present wasn’t as bad as it could have been, and she had her friends to thank for that.

 

She hadn’t seen much of her old friends since she’d moved into Jae’s, but she liked it better when they weren’t in her life anyway. 

 

Now there was Sana, a sex worker who lived a floor above her. She saw her the most, and they’d become close friends. She’d moved in when she was 18, and she and Dahyun had been best friends since they were 5 years old. The rest was somewhat of a secret, she didn’t talk much about her life. 

 

She did talk about wanting to get out though, a lot of them did, but Sana was adamant about wanting to move to Seoul. _The big city,_ she’d call it. She talked about it like it was the answer to all of life’s problems, or at least her own. Sana needed to get away and go to the place where everything was possible. She'd visited already, said she knew someone there.

 

Sana talked about Seoul as if it was the key to what she was missing, even going as far as saying she could breathe lighter there, didn’t feel like she was suffocating, she felt free. Tzuyu didn’t know what she meant, but she hoped the girl got to go eventually. The idea of Sana being free- being away from all this- it made her happy for the girl. 

 

She might’ve also had a small crush on her, but it was short-lived when Sana explicitly told her she didn’t do relationships. Not that Tzuyu had ever voiced her feelings to the older girl, but it had just come out one night in a drunken rant from Sana, who was fed up with her job. She hated that all the men she met through work would try to get more out of her, as if the sex wasn't bad enough. The thought of commitment disgusted her. 

 

That alone was enough to make Tzuyu realize her feelings were obviously one-sided, and she was able to drop the miniscule romantic feelings she had felt towards Sana. 

 

Sometimes the two of them, joined by Dahyun, would spend evenings lazing in Sana's room. They’d lay down on the floor in a tangle of outstretched limbs and watch Cowboy Bebop or Sailor Moon dvds on the oldest girl’s small television. Other times Dahyun would take them on drives around the city, where they could admire the vibrant lights during the night time.

 

There was also Chaeyoung, who lived on the same floor as Tzuyu. She made a living off shoplifting, medium priced goods from the mall and selling them to pay for the cost of food, clothes, and art supplies. Her room was covered by Jae, through small jobs here and there he’d give the young girl (mostly selling drugs). 

 

Tzuyu had learned that Chaeyoung liked to draw, and when she could afford it she’d paint too. 

 

One day she’d walked in on the younger girl recreating a painting from an art magazine, claiming she’d sell it online as a scam. She was bewildered when it worked, but happy for the older girl. Chaeyoung even tried to teach Tzuyu how to paint, but that hadn’t ended up so well; the young girl had more paint on herself than on her canvas, and it was more frustrating than it was fun.

 

They laughed about it and decided painting wasn’t the right bonding activity for the two.  

 

 _That’s okay, we’ll find something else, I like hanging out with you,_ the oldest had told her. 

 

She didn’t know what had brought Chaeyoung to Jae’s, but she was glad to have someone around who was the same age as her. Someone to get drunk with and walk through the streets at night, someone as reckless as her who just _didn’t_ care. Someone who threw empty beer bottles at cop cars and screamed _“You can’t fucking catch me, I’m untouchable”_ when they were chased, only to lose them by jumping over a series of fences together and climbing up a nearby roof.

 

Then there was Dahyun, who surprisingly didn’t live at Jae’s. She never did tell Tzuyu where she lived; she knew the girl lived alone but worked for him. 

 

She’d started out like Tzuyu, had found refuge there when she ran away from home or something. The details weren’t clear, because neither Sana nor Dahyun talked about their past, but she caught bits and pieces from conversations and tried to make sense of it in her head. 

 

Dahyun started selling drugs for him, back when she still went to school, even though it never made her much money in the beginning.

 

Eventually she stopped caring about her classes; they all seemed pointless when she didn’t think they’d lead her anywhere afterwards. It’s not like she had dreams of going to university or such. She went to school less and less, some weeks she didn’t show up at all, and when she did she never learned anything anyways. Her attendance was shitty, she failed almost all of her exams, and when she did go to school they sent her to detention for the day, so really, what was the fucking point?

 

Eventually Jae approached her with a proposition; he said that she was ready for a promotion, one where she wouldn’t have to sell anymore. He asked her to be one of his drivers. 

 

He said he needed someone he could trust, and while he could have asked others (those with more experience) he had other plans for them. Who would she have been to refuse such an offer? She’d known how to drive since she was fairly young, had a valid driver’s license, and loved speed (both the drug and the distance per time ratio, for reference). 

 

There’s a certain thrill to being behind a wheel, in control of how fast one chooses to drive. It's the sense of being free while speeding down the highway with the windows down and feeling like no one can stop you.

 

So Dahyun accepted the offer, and that was her job from then on. She drove him, or his associates, around the city or to other cities for meetings or product pick-ups/drop-offs. 

 

He had other drivers too for other situations, other meetings, other purchases. The pay wasn’t much of an upgrade, but at least she enjoyed it better than selling pills to dumb high schoolers.

 

It wasn’t perfect, none of their lives were, but they worked around it to make the best of everything they had. 

 

Sana didn’t have many close relationships. She had plenty of acquaintances and clients, but the small circle she’d grown close to at Jae’s were the closest to a family that she could get, and she cared for them deeply, even if she wasn’t always the most obvious at showing it.

 

She was closest with Dahyun. They’d known each other the longest, having grown up around each other, and while she was less vocal about how much she appreciated the younger girl she looked out for her in whatever way she could. Always making sure the other girl had eaten, and was doing okay, and on rough days they would go out for frozen yogurt, only to come back and watch those same old dvds with Tzuyu.

 

Sana wasn’t close with Chaeyoung. She knew her and had seen her around but the two didn’t really talk or spend time around each other. Their schedules more often than not didn’t align, but that was alright. 

 

Dahyun had her hands full trying to keep her two younger friends out of trouble, which proved to be incredibly difficult, because those two were like magnets to danger (much like her and Sana). She couldn’t count the amount of times she’d have to get in her car at 4am to save Chaeyoung from getting arrested, or to drive Tzuyu to the hospital because of an accidental drug overdose. 

 

Even if she scolded them, they never learned. It wasn’t that they didn’t care; they just didn’t realize that their actions affected those around them, those who cared for them deeply. 

 

But they were fine; really. Dahyun repeated those thoughts to herself day and night. Things weren’t great, but they were fine. Until one day they weren’t.

 

Sana still lived at Jae’s but for a few weeks work had become too much for her. Apparently some clients had been causing trouble. While Jae worked on fixing the situation he temporarily gave her some time off work. Dahyun visited her every day, bringing Sana's favourite snacks and binging the only dvds they owned. Tzuyu would join them and sometimes they'd all go to the local playground, challenging each other to see who could swing the highest or jump the furthest. 

 

It was the only time they saw Sana smile during those few weeks. They wished they could have made her smile more.

 

Sana was Dahyun’s rock, the only stability in her life, and she made the younger girl believe that no matter how hard things got they always had each other. Or so she thought. 

 

Until Dahyun got back to Jae’s one morning after a particularly rough night at work, expecting to find Sana in her room, sleeping soundly under the covers. 

 

But instead she found Sana sitting at the table in the corner of the room, all of her belongings in the duffel bag she’d moved in with. There was an envelope on the table, clutched tightly between the older girl’s hands. 

 

Sana explained that she couldn’t stay in this city any longer; she needed to get out, to go far away and never come back. She opened the envelope and showed its contents to Dahyun, a one way bus ticket to Seoul. She’d used the last of her savings to purchase it and in less than 24 hours she’d finally be in the big city.

 

Dahyun didn’t cry, despite the burn in her throat and the air that was missing from her lungs, it wasn’t about her. Not right then. Not when she saw the hope in her friend’s eyes as she spoke so enthusiastically about the city of her dreams. 

 

Not when it came to hope, no, Dahyun could never fuck that up for her.

 

They’d come close to giving up so many times while growing up, especially Sana, who almost didn’t make it out of her last overdose alive. When you live a life as shitty as this, it’s no surprise to want out of it, and Dahyun figured moving away was better than the alternative.

 

At some point during Sana’s ramblings about Seoul, the younger of the two began to zone out. Not on purpose, of course, but she couldn’t help it as her mind drifted to all of their memories, all of the years they spent side by side, inseparable.

 

Their teachers would make jokes about the two being glued by the hip, or more often than not: comparing them to magnets.

 

They never spent a moment apart. Every year they would be placed in the same classes, and after school they’d walk to Sana's house and do their homework together. When their work was done, they’d play outside until nightfall, or if the weather was terrible, they’d build a blanket fort in the older girl's bedroom and spend hours playing video games. 

 

They were easily excited, extremely hyperactive, and most of their fun led to trouble.

 

Like the time Dahyun kicked a soccer ball through Sana’s kitchen window. Or the time Sana discovered that perfume and a lighter don’t mix well, and burnt a giant black stain onto Dahyun’s father’s white bathroom wall. That one really didn't end well.

 

They were curious. They liked discovering new things, testing limits and seeing how far they could push before things would break.

 

But they were best friends, and if one of them got into trouble, both of them would take the punishment. 

 

Like when Sana was failing math and her teachers were convinced she would be held back, so Dahyun purposely failed tests just so she too would be held back in favor of making sure her friend wouldn’t be alone. Luckily Sana was offered a tutor and neither girl was held back, but still, Dahyun was ready to give up her perfect grades if it meant staying by her best friend’s side.

 

There's also that time when Sana made new friends, and they didn’t think Dahyun was cool enough to hang out with their group, (middle schoolers are really, _really_ mean sometimes) so they told her to make a choice. And then Sana told them to get a nice view of her ass as she walked away, cause it was the last time they’d _ever_ see it again. 

 

They were there for each other through thick and thin. 

 

When the yelling in Sana’s house was too much and she couldn’t handle another night of picking up broken glass off of the floor, or when Dahyun’s side ached from all the blows she received when her father got home from yet another night of working overtime, they always found refuge in each other’s presence. 

 

Even if it meant walking for an hour to the other’s house (they didn’t exactly live close, Dahyun was supposed to go to a school closer to her house, but that’s a story for another time), they made it work, and it was always worth it.

 

Sana went to all of Dahyun’s baseball games, and Dahyun attended each and every one of Sana’s volleyball matches. 

 

They took music class together, even if Sana couldn’t play the bass clarinet to save her life, and they went to art class as well, even if Dahyun swore she couldn't draw worth shit.

 

They met in the middle, they did things to make each other happy, and they were the best of friends, even when they weren’t. 

 

When they fought it was like a piece of their world was missing. It felt empty and dark and it never lasted long, because they made up quickly. 

 

They were friends for 13 years; there were far too many memories to remember.

 

Nights where they felt on top of the world, full of hope, full of happiness, and there were nights where the felt at their lowest.

 

Nights where Dahyun would walk to Sana’s house unannounced -because after eight years of friendship there’s no need to knock on the door, you basically live at each other's houses anyway-, only to find her friend buried under a mountain of blankets.

 

Her eyes were puffy and cheeks red from crying for hours, no source of light or life anywhere else in the house. Dahyun would then learn that Sana’s parents had taken off again, leaving her behind after a series of insults and accusations, only to head off to yet another party.

 

She hated them; she really did, because while Sana wasn’t perfect, she didn’t deserve to be treated like shit. She didn't deserve to feel like a problem in her parents’ life for having been born, something she never even asked for in the first place.

 

They would spend the night drawing, something the older of the two enjoyed quite a lot, but eventually lost a passion for, and when they weren’t doing that they’d play videogames. Dahyun would let Sana win, only until she saw her friend’s competitive spirit come back to life, and then it was a fight to see who could rack up the most wins. 

 

Most nights could be fixed just by being together even if they weren’t talking or in the same room. Knowing they were in the same house, or apartment, it made it that much easier to breathe.

 

Sometimes it wasn't so easy to get through rough days. Days where video games or drawing couldn't be used an an emotional bandaid. Because while Sana’s parents were more lenient in the sense that they never cared where she was running off to, Dahyun’s father was strict. 

 

He had high expectations of his daughter, so school was always the top priority. On days where Dahyun didn’t show up to her classes, Sana knew it meant trouble, and while she’d been told by her friend not to worry about it, she couldn’t help it, she’d never been one to stay away from trouble for too long anyway.

 

She’d walked into Dahyun’s house one day only to find the girl’s father in a screaming match with her friend’s bedroom door. It was closed, and judging from the smaller voice she heard, Dahyun was on the other side of it. 

 

Sana felt awkward standing by the front door, so she took a step forward. She intended to approach the scene, but halted immediately as the man’s fist collided with the wood, punching through to the other side.

 

There was a scream, this time not from Dahyun’s father, but the young girl on the other side of the door instead.

 

Her father and Sana made brief eye contact. After acknowledging her sudden intrusion on the situation he retreated from the scene and left to go out into the garage, seemingly uninterested in pursuing whatever argument they were previously having. Sana was quick to rush to the door, demanding her friend let her in.

 

Dahyun grabbed her jacket and the duffel bag she always kept packed in her closet in case of emergencies like these, or rather  _days_ like these, and they headed out. They walked through the city with no destination in mind, no intention of talking about what had happened. 

 

It was her grades, always her god damn grades, that weren’t meeting his expectations. That was what the fight was about, what most of their fights were about. Who knew grades could be so important in a 13 year old’s life?

 

From then, it just got even more complicated, as if it wasn’t bad enough already. 

 

Life at home was intolerable for both girls, and when high school hit they met other friends. New people with new interests, none of which were any good. 

 

Sana and Dahyun were best friends, they swore it, but sometimes they didn’t act like it, and it caused problems in their friendship.

 

Like when Sana started ditching Dahyun for this group of kids, running off to parties most nights and getting drunk or high, or both. Then she’d tell her friend all about it the next morning during first period, if she even bothered to show up to school, which she’d decided wasn’t an interest of hers anymore. Nevermind the fact that Dahyun had swapped all the classes she cared about for classes that Sana had so they could hangout during school, something the older girl had asked her to do.

 

But it was fine, because Dahyun had made other friends too. 

 

She didn’t eat lunch alone anymore, which was great. Her new friends liked most of the same video games and music as her, so it gave them plenty of talk about during their free hour.

 

Eventually she only saw Sana during the weekends, which was a big change. Then it became every two weekends, and so on, until eventually Dahyun didn’t see Sana at all. 

 

They texted every day, sure, but that wasn’t the same. They didn’t keep up with what was happening in each other’s lives, and one day it got too much for Dahyun. She was never good with words, never good at knowing how she felt, or why, and she kept it bottled up until it blew up.

 

And that’s what happened. Lots and lots of shitty words left her mouth the minute Sana walked into Dahyun's house, after weeks of not seeing each other, and it caught the older girl completely off guard. Because in her defense, she thought they were fine, she thought Dahyun was enjoying hanging out with her new friends and that it was okay for them to have different hobbies, different people to spend time with.

 

In her mind, they were still best friends, they just didn’t hangout often, or really keep up with each other’s lives. 

 

Really, it was just that she’d been going through a lot of things she didn’t want to get her younger friend involved in. Things that she knew Dahyun wouldn’t agree with, wouldn’t encourage her to keep doing, and Sana needed those things. Because if she didn’t have them, then she would feel all of the emotions she’d been repressing and she’d have to actually face the problems she didn’t feel strong enough to face alone and then there would be her parents and the classes she was failing and the people to whom she owed money and-

 

She just couldn’t do that to her.

 

Dahyun knew she’d been partying, knew she’d been hanging out with a questionable crowd, but she didn’t know the depths of it, didn’t need to. 

 

Didn’t need to know that Sana couldn’t fall asleep without mixing benzos with the rum and coke she kept by her bedside. Didn’t need to know how many lines of speed it took to keep her awake during the day, or the amount of pills she had to swallow just to numb out the thoughts that begged her to end it all, that screamed at her every moment that she spent awake, conscious, replaying in her mind and eating away at her sanity.

 

No, she couldn’t tell her friend to what length she was losing it, but she needed Dahyun to just shut up and trust her, and if she couldn’t do that then she’d have to push her away, for both of their sakes. Because Dahyun wouldn’t give up on trying to save Sana, and Sana wouldn’t stop trying to ruin herself.

 

Their friendship had to end, and it did. On that same day. The day that Dahyun finally opened up about how she felt, about wanting her best friend back, and feeling like Sana didn’t like having her around anymore and only saw her an inconvenience. And Sana, knowing what she had to do to keep Dahyun from witnessing the lengths at which she was probably going to end up destroying herself, denied none of it.

 

They yelled, they cried, and eventually Sana left, slamming the door shut behind her. They didn’t see each other again for a year and a half, long enough for both of their lives to get even worse.

 

A year and a half was enough time for Dahyun to get into a relationship with a girl who showed her all of the things Sana had tried to keep her sheltered from. 

 

Wasn’t long at all until Dahyun was addicted to drugs, going as far as overdosing on her prescriptions to get high when her dealer, her _girlfriend,_ wasn’t available. This almost always resulted in Dahyun getting her stomach pumped. 

 

Her girlfriend didn’t care, so Dahyun figured, why should she?

 

They got worse, if that was even possible. 

 

Stealing, breaking and entering, that one time her girlfriend lit a playground structure on fire and they had to call the fire department from a payphone to make sure the whole neighbourhood didn't burn down. 

 

Sometimes Dahyun would get into fights because her girlfriend asked her to beat the living daylights out of some kid who’d been mean to her (it was always a trap, but Dahyun fell for it everytime). Sometimes it was just for fun, just to take her anger out on whatever she could, whatever was around.

 

That was the routine, until Sana came back. 

 

It started with a text, because Dahyun never changed her phone number, and Sana never forgot it. Dahyun doesn’t remember most of the message; she skimmed through it honestly, because her eyes got caught on the last sentence. _I miss my bestfriend_. Those four words, so simple yet holding so much meaning, sent the younger girl into a fit of sobs, and obviously, they started hanging out again.

 

It was fine at first, it was _fun._ Sana learned that Dahyun was even wilder than before, and she herself hadn’t become less of a wreck. So they’d get drunk or high, or both, and get up to no good. They’d run through the streets in the middle of the night, screaming the lyrics to whatever song felt right and laugh until there was no more air in their lungs.

 

They vandalized the entrance of their old middle school with graffiti and threw eggs into the classroom windows. 

 

They went swimming in the city hall fountain at 4 am until a security guard came out and chased them down the street. Sana was the one who turned back just to taunt him, screaming that,  _"If two drunk teenage girls can outrun your supposedly trained ass you should probably consider another career"._

 

They passed out near a river at sunrise. Both of them felt alive again, even if it didn’t erase their problems. They were together, they had each other, and they felt whole.

 

But Dahyun’s girlfriend didn’t approve. She didn’t like that someone else was making Dahyun feel anything, because that would mean that she couldn’t control her anymore. So she framed Sana for something stupid, and Dahyun believed it. 

 

Not at first, obviously. She took her best friend’s side immediately, which only made things worse for all of them.

 

After months of manipulation and drug binges, it eventually worked, because Dahyun could barely go a few hours without getting ridiculously fucked up, and what can you do when your girlfriend is also your dealer? 

 

It didn’t help that Sana was the same, and addiction does things to people’s minds that they really can’t help. 

 

Like when Sana thought Dahyun was out to kill her, because she dropped one too many tabs of acid and suddenly believed everyone was out to murder her. Or when Dahyun thought Sana had tried to fuck her girlfriend, which wasn’t true. Given a past occurrence where Dahyun had her first boyfriend and Sana had given him a handjob behind their highschool after class, you couldn’t really blame her for falling for such an easy lie.

 

It just wasn’t the right time to try and reconnect, and they parted ways once more.

 

Destiny must have been looking out for them for once though, because they finally were together again after yet another year of being apart. 

 

Dahyun was single then, recently dumped and the most fucked up she’d ever mentally been. Sana was at the peak of her recklessness, and ironically the happiest she’d ever seemed. 

 

She had a job, and while she now lived with only her father, she spent most of her time at this place she could only describe to Dahyun as “the most fucked up, yet most fun party you could ever go to, and it _never ends.”_

 

That was the place Dahyun came to know as Jae’s, or well, the underground level at least. It was exactly what Sana said, it was fucked up, in so many ways, but it was fun, so much fun, and Dahyun never wanted to leave. So she didn’t, or more accurately, _they_ didn’t. 

 

She and Sana spent nights there. They spent their time drinking and smoking, doing lines in the bathroom, dancing until they couldn’t see and leaning on each other for support when their legs gave out. The party never stopped, it never ended, and they just kept getting higher and higher.

 

Then one day, they ran out of their usual supply. Dahyun ran out of morphine and Sana couldn’t find her bottle of clonazepam. So they did what any reasonable addict would do, they improvised. 

 

They used Dahyun’s Risperidone and Zoloft, which the former was used to abusing (which is absolutely not what you should do with medication prescribed to your by a psychiatrist, don’t sue me if you’re dumb enough to try this at home), and the latter was not.

 

Dahyun took eight times the recommended dose, which was already the max dosage for the medication, and Sana took six times the recommended. A little lower than Dahyun’s, but much, much more than she’d ever taken before considering it was the older girl’s first time. Neither of them cared that it wasn’t going to get them high the way they usually got, it was something, and that was better than nothing.

 

Neither of them knew how to be sober. They’d forgotten what it felt like, and they just didn’t want to _remember._

 

They blacked out, because of course the fuck they did what would you expect from taking such a ridiculous amount-

 

but when Dahyun woke up in the morning, it was because of one thing and one thing only. Sana was screaming.

 

Sana was screaming and she was crying and her eyes were rolling so far to the back of her head that Dahyun swore she could only see white. And she was pale, paler than she’d ever seemed before. 

 

Between the screaming and the crying and the shaking, the older of the two rolled to the other side of the bed, barely fast enough before she threw up all over the floor, all the while choking on her own sobs. 

 

Dahyun panicked, she should’ve thought this through, should’ve stopped Sana from taking such a large amount, should’ve suggested they find some other way to get high. Sana was going to die and this was all her fault and-

 

No, this wasn’t about her right now. This was about Sana. 

 

Sana whose arms and legs were currently jerking uncontrollably, her breaths coming out in short wheezes and her lips turning deeper shades of blue as moments passed. 

 

Dahyun needed to fix this, needed to save her bestfriend. 

 

So she helped drag Sana into her father's car, that she'd so generously borrowed- she was going to pay for that, she knew- and proceeded to speed to the hospital. 

 

It was illegal, driving under the influence, which she absolutely still was from the amount of drugs she swallowed in the middle of the night, but she wasn’t thinking, which was exactly what got them into this predicament in the first place and now Sana was going to die and Dahyun was going to go to jail for- 

 

No. _Focus._

 

She had to force her brain into focusing on the task at hand. 

 

She got Sana inside. They saw a doctor within minutes because of the state the older girl was in, and she was treated appropriately.

 

Dahyun stayed with her the entire time, was ready to take the blame for it all, because it really was her fault. She’d offered her meds to Sana, knowing that the girl was an addict. She was the only one to blame, and she was ready for the consequences, even if it meant jail time. 

 

But she never got to fess up, because Sana lied.

 

The older girl told the doctors that she had found the pills in Dahyun’s bag while the other girl showered and taken a large dose. She told them to check her file for past overdoses if they didn’t believe her, told them she had a reputation of attempted suicides, -and the last part really wasn’t a lie, but it made Dahyun feel even worse about the whole situation. She knew Sana had tried to kill herself more than once, sometimes indirectly, and yet she had almost led her down the same path the night before.

 

They didn’t do it ever again, abusing prescription meds, not a single time. At least their own. 

 

Not the same could be said for other drugs, but Dahyun stopped taking ridiculous amounts of her medication, and Sana didn’t touch them or her own again. 

 

They stuck to speed, weed and booze. Sometimes if they could afford it they’d get cocaine, but they saved that for the odd days they actually showed up to school. 

 

Sana had dropped out at 14, so when she decided to go back at 17 they sent her to a local community college for an adult diploma.

 

After failing too many classes, -no doubt from picking fights and never showing up to school- Dahyun had also been sent to the same college to get her adult diploma.

 

It was ironic, really, because the change happened while the two girls weren’t friends. They’d never bumped into each other at college during that time, but now that they rekindled their friendship they realized they had different classes at the same time. 

 

It made it easier to actually go to class now that they had a reason to, because getting an education clearly wasn’t important enough, right? 

 

Dtching class to hang out in the cafeteria was worth the 1 hour of public transport that it took both girls to get across their respective sides of the city, only to meet in the middle, at college, where they did absolutely none of the required work. 

 

It was like that for a while. It was comfortable and it was bearable. But if we’ve learned anything in these past 8411 words, it’s that when you think things can’t get any worse, they _can_ , and they absolutely fucking _do._

 

Dahyun’s mother, -while never actually being very present in her life sine she'd lost custody- popped in from time to time, whenever she felt like. 

 

When she wasn’t working as a stripper, she was getting high and begging Dahyun for rent money. 

 

This time was different, she hadn’t been home for a while. Dahyun knew this because she walked by that apartment almost daily on her way to Sana’s and the curtains were always opened, -something they never were when her mother was actually home- and there was no one inside.

 

Dahyun received a phone call from the former inviting her to dinner in a week’s time. It was a trap, it always was, but Dahyun has always been _too_ curious, had always tested the limits, just like Sana. 

 

She went, and lo and behold, was she presented with a tempting offer. Her mother had been to America, to Las Vegas she’d called it (even showed pictures too), it was real. She had a new sugar daddy, which was fine, Dahyun didn’t care, but she was curious why any of this involved her.

 

Turns out her mother needed someone to watch the apartment while she went to live with said sugar daddy, and she didn’t have anyone she could trust. 

"My friends would just trash the place or steal my pills, but you’re not like that, and maybe it’ll give you a break from your dad or whatever," she’d said then. Her mother didn’t care about Dahyun or her father, but she really, really didn’t want anyone thinking the apartment was empty and going in to steal her things. Dahyun knew there was real danger, her mother had always been paranoid. When she lived with her as a child her mother would cover the windows with black industrial garbage bags and install aditional locks on the doors. _Just to be safe,_ she'd say, _you never know who might try to come in._ But there was no real threat, Dahyun knew that now. She knew that her mom's paranoia was ever present when she didn't take a responsable amount of her prescription pills. There was no one after her. There was no one looking to break into her apartment to steal her things. 

 

So Dahyun agreed, almost too quickly, but fuck it, right? She wouldn’t have to spend any time at home with her father and his girlfriend, and Sana would finally be able to get away from her dad too, so it all seemed to work out.  

 

They moved in, and it was fine. It was more than fine, actually, it was great. 

 

It was freedom. 

 

They were living on their own, and they didn’t have to worry about paying rent, because Dahyun’s mother’s sugar daddy was taking care of that. He had money to blow, he was old as fuck, what did she care what he spent it on?

 

She and Sana could do whatever they wanted, which mostly meant getting drunk before 9 am and getting high far past 10 pm, all the while never having to worry about getting caught by their parents. 

 

They still went to class sometimes, mostly resulting in once a week or once every two weeks, but it was the bare minimum, and that was quite alright with them.

 

They continued going to Jae’s regularly, more often than they should have because it eventually landed them into the most trouble they’d ever get into. 

 

Sana had lost her job at the mall, something about never showing up sober, _go figure._

 

Dahyun had lost her job of 4 years the moment she walked out of her father’s door. Working for family really doesn’t pay, figuratively and literally. It paid less than half of minimum wage, and the working conditions were shit, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. Especially when her father had forced to start working at 12 years old so he wouldn't have to hire an additional employee. This way he wouldn't have to pay an extra person's full salary, but he called it _"pulling your weight around this damn house for once"._

 

She didn't have to worry about that anymore, though. She quit, and he didn't know where the fuck she was.

 

When the friends they made at Jae’s got word of this, they talked to their boss, and soon enough both girls had found work. 

 

Selling drugs wasn’t Dahyun’s dream job, but it made her some money.

 

Sana didn’t mind her new work either, so all in all, things were alright.

 

They were alright even when Dahyun’s mother came back. Even when she busted through the front door of the apartment screaming and threatening to beat the shit out of her daughter, for god knows what, because of course she was high, of fucking course she was.

 

 It wasn’t the type of high Dahyun and Sana got either. She’d been through her teenage years already. She was in her 40’s now, and had more than 20 years’ experience. Benzos and ice didn’t quite cut it for her anymore, she was into the hard drugs Jae sold, not the ones Dahyun was selling to local high schoolers for barely a fraction in comparison.

 

Dahyun could tell her mother was too far gone. She was past the point of being talked down from whatever she was feeling,. Cearly she'd just gotten dumped and was dealing with the heartbreak in her own way. 

 

This wasn’t what prompted the two teenage girls in the apartment to get up off the couch they were sitting on and take off into a sprint down the street with their duffle bags slung over their shoulders. No, it was the gun her mother pulled from a box in the closet, the way she waved it in their direction while threatening to splatter their entrails across the wall. That's what made them run. They ran like hell, until their feet were raw and their legs throbbing. Doubled over in the middle of a street they didn't know the name of and gasping for air they hoped would soothe their burning lungs.

 

Things just never stay good long enough, but sometimes they can be just good enough for just long enough.

 

And Dahyun supposes that’s how she ended up running away from her father again. She'd had to return home after being chased out of her mom's apartment, and he'd reluctantly let her come back. Of course there'd been consequences, and Dahyun still shudders at the memories of that day. 

 

But she did it again. She ran away once more. Somehow he found out she hadn’t been going to school. It only took him half a year to notice, but he was busy with work. Always so, _so_ busy with work. On top of that, someone (probably her psychologist) had ratted her out about a suicide attempt from months prior, and he beat the fucking shit out of her.

 

So she ran. Dahyun was beginning to think that was the only thing she was good at. 

 

But that was fine, cause Sana had started living at Jae’s and she offered Dahyun a place to crash until they could figure something else out. And that’s how Dahyun ended up eventually getting her own place. 

 

It was one of Jae’s empty unit  in a shabbier part of town, but it was fine. 

 

When she started driving for him he sheltered her, gave her protection- well not just her, Sana too, Dahyun made sure he promised to when she accepted his offer- because the promotion didn’t come without more risks.

 

She couldn’t live at Jae’s, the main house, because it was too obvious if he used one of his cars to go out to meetings. So he’d have someone drive him to a location, and Dahyun would meet him there with a car he provided, and then she’d drive him to the real destination. It was complex, but he was always eight steps ahead of everyone else. It's why he'd never been caught.

 

Eventually Chaeyoung came along. 

 

Apparently she was friends with some of the same people Dahyun and Sana knew, but she liked to keep to herself. That is, until she got arrested and Jae bailed her out, giving her a place to stay and some work to keep her busy. It was mostly petty theft, but sometimes he’d send her off to sell weed or oxycontin, small handoffs just to make it look like she was working to be there, just like the others were.

 

He also encouraged her to go to school, which she did. Even if she’d miss a few weeks at a time, eventually she’d go back and make up for the lost work. She was smart; they all knew she had potential. She just had a lot of issues to work through, and that would come with time.

 

After that there was Tzuyu, and it was actually Sana who met her first. 

 

It was during a music show downstairs. As usual a shitty local band was playing a cover song, and Tzuyu was the only person in a crowd of nearly 100 people not jumping up and down, not even bobbing her head along. In fact, she was completely still with an unimpressed look on her face. 

 

Sana went up to her. She didn’t remember having seen her before, but then again, she saw a lot of faces every night, and she never cared to remember any of them.

 

“You don’t look like you’re having any fun?” Sana had mused, studying the girl’s face.

 

“I was bribed to come here with the promise of good music. This band sucks.” Tzuyu deadpanned,

 

And honestly? It was nice for someone to finally be honest about what they all knew. 

 

The music wasn’t good; it was rare for a good band to show up. But the crowd was energized, the drugs were in supply, the liquor never stopped flowing, and the after parties were wild. That’s the only reason people came by, and kept doing so for years. 

 

She decided then that she liked this new face, and they hit it off pretty well. Tzuyu kept coming to shows, even though she complained every time. It was better than being home.

 

Eventually Sana introduced Dahyun to Tzuyu, and the three of them started hanging out together after shows. Getting high has a way of bringing people closer together in a new light. 

 

That was their life for a while, and they looked forward to the weekends when they would get to see Tzuyu walk through the doors. The nights where they knew that it was only a matter of a few hours before the bands would stop playing, before their ears would stop ringing, and until they could open the bags of whatever powder one of them had brought with them. 

 

You already know the rest of that story though, so let’s get back to the point.

 

Sana tried, she really did, to convince her friend to pack up and run away with her. 

 

She promised Dahyun that they could both get jobs working at convenience stores or restaurants to pay for a small apartment together in the heart of Seoul. She promised that everything would be so great, so soon. 

 

All she had to do was say yes. All Dahyun had to do was agree and get her suitcase, stuff everything into it and go with Sana to the bus station. 

 

All Dahyun had to do was say yes, and they could leave everything behind. 

 

For a minute, the younger girl really considered it. 

 

She could work anywhere. She could adapt to any place, and she too loved Seoul. 

 

She’d been before, had even lived there when she was younger, and still had family there. 

 

She knew there were opportunities to be found, but alas, she couldn’t do it.

 

Not when she had the lives of two younger girls depending on her, relying on her to keep them safe. 

 

Not when Tzuyu was in the middle of taking exams at school with only another year to go before she graduated. 

 

Not when Chaeyoung had just gotten accepted into an advanced arts project at school, one that could get her a scholarship into her dream university. 

 

Not when neither girls would be able to follow Dahyun and Sana, able to drop everything and lose what they worked so hard to keep after losing everything else.

 

She couldn’t do it, even if she wanted to follow her bestfriend.

 

Even if she wanted to keep their promise of always sticking together, building a new life in a city they so often talked about moving to (albeit Dahyun always assumed they’d wait until they were financially stable or ready, and not on an impulsive decision). 

 

Of course she’d known Sana longer than the other two, but she’d grown close to them too. She'd grown to see them like a family, and it wouldn’t be right, not when they’d put so much trust into Dahyun.

 

She couldn’t leave them, and she couldn’t ask them to leave what they had and follow her and Sana. So she decided to stay. 

 

She hoped Sana would understand, which she did, but she still felt hurt that Dahyun chose to stay for them instead of following her. They didn’t talk about it though, because there was only a bit of time left before her bus left that evening, and they wanted to make the most of every minute.

 

Dahyun had to drive Tzuyu and Chaeyoung to school, like she’d promised them she would do when she got back from her shift. Sana chose not to accompany her. Dahyun didn't push further.

 

When she came back, Dahyun and Sana headed to their favourite café. They talked for hours, about nothing in particular, nothing important or really interesting, biting their tongue on words they wish they had the courage to say out loud. 

 

Dahyun wished Sana would stay, even if it was selfish, but she wished only the best for her. 

 

Sana wanted Dahyun to come with her, and it was selfish. It was selfish because her reasoning was that she was scared of being alone, but she hoped the best for her younger friend too.

 

It was just one of those things in life, that are so unfair, but there’s nothing to be done about it. 

 

So Dahyun drove Sana to the bus station, and waited with her until it arrived. 

 

The older of the two promised to visit often, to send letters, to keep in touch.

 

When the bus arrived, Dahyun carried her friend’s suitcase. They walked in silence towards the queue, until Sana was the one to break it.

 

“You’ll explain it to Tzuyu right? Tell her that I’ll miss her, and I’ll come visit you both. She’ll understand, she’s so smart, that girl. Tell her that I did what I had to do, yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Dahyun sucked in a breath, trying hard not to choke on the tears she could feel threatening to spill. 

 

She hadn’t let herself be emotional about it since she’d found out Sana was leaving, because it wouldn’t have done anything to help the situation. As she thought about the pain Tzuyu was sure to feel when she would have to break the news to her she couldn’t help but to feel as if she was starting to suffocate a bit. 

 

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, yeah, we’ll go with with that. “I’ll tell her.”

 

She was met with a nod from the older girl, until it was her turn to board. They hugged, an action they didn’t do often, and something inside of Dahyun didn’t feel right.

 

“Hey, Sana?” All the words she wanted to say died in her throat. There were so many things she’d never gotten a chance to tell her, but now? 

 

There was nothing she _could_ say, because none of it would make a difference. What mattered was Sana's happiness, and making sure she finally found it. Dahyun would never get in the way of that. So she chose to send her friend off with a request instead. “Please take care of yourself.”

 

“I will, I promise.” 

 

And Dahyun’s heart broke a little more at that, because she knew it was a lie. She knew it wouldn’t happen, knew Sana wouldn’t be able to keep the promise. And fuck, was she ever getting tired of all these promises.

 

Dahyun knew Sana too well, knew her better than she knew herself, and there was no way in hell that woman would be able to stay out of trouble. 

 

She was drawn to it, they both were. That’s why they were best friends, because they were both trouble.

 

And just like magnets, they were drawn to each other.

 

Dahyun watched the woman she spent most of her life with board the bus that would take her to the city that filled her with hope.

 

She stared on as it drove away. She watched Sana wave at her through the window.

 

The tears finally spilled. 

 

In that moment, Dahyun realized that sometimes, magnets don’t stick together like they were supposed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, that was only chapter 1, I hope it wasn't too bad? It's not over yet, there's much more to come, but I couldn't think of any other way to make an introduction into the actual story. You'll meet the other characters shortly, though. The whole story won't be angst. DahTzu are eventually reunited with Sana, don't click away yet :( If you feel like some parts were rushed/not properly explained, it's either because it's irrelevant to the actual story (example: I didn't spend much time talking about Tzuyu's parents because you'll probably never hear about them again) OR it's because I don't want to explain everything too soon (but it'll come). If you feel like some characters didn't get as much spotlight, just wait, they'll definitely get their turn to fuck up and ruin their lives. 


	2. Where were you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a look in the past, a prologue of sorts, I guess. Not really following where the last chapter left off.
> 
> It's Dahyun's prologue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for like, heavy depictions of domestic abuse and drug overdose. Just don't read it if that's not for you.

Have you ever seen what happens when you're tucked away so safely in your home in the dead of night?

 

Would you like to take a look?

 

Maybe you think you want to, at first, maybe it’s got your interest.

 

Maybe it’s so different from yours, and you want to take a peak. Like making a new friend at school, and wondering what their home is like. Does is look like yours? Are there flowers on the table, and food on the stove, just like yours?

 

But you’ll never find out, no, because your new friend isn’t allowed to have anyone over. Otherwise they might see the holes in the walls, painted by angry fists that were meant to land somewhere else (just because kids are little doesn’t mean they can’t run away quickly).

 

If strangers came to visit, they might notice cupboards with the doors ripped off, the broken glass that covers the ground, mixing itself with the dust and credit card bills scattered around. You can’t get a look into this world, because it’s not yours.

 

You wouldn’t know the secret passages that lead to the rotten garden, you wouldn’t know which steps on the staircase to step on to make the least possible noise on your way to school, and you wouldn’t know what time you’re supposed to hide from Father.

 

If you came to this house you might get scared, you might run away and tell someone what you saw, and Father doesn’t want anyone to know what he's up to.

 

So you can’t see.

 

But it’s no loss to you, because you get to go home to your own castle when the school bell rings. And you don’t have to wonder if you’re going to go to bed hungry that night. You don’t have to tip toe on your way up the front steps to your house, little ears listening for any shouting coming from inside. You don’t need to force yourself to join any school clubs or sports teams so you have a place to go instead of going home right after class. You don’t need to lie to your friends about why you can’t come swimming with them, even though you’d love to see the beach. What would they say if they saw the purple clouds that painted your ribs, or the green swipes across your back?

 

It’s better to lie, it’s always better to lie. It’s like the saying goes: an eye for an eye, and a lie for a-

 

A lie for a what? Another lie? Isn’t that how it always goes, one lie precedes another lie, and so on and so forth.

 

Your home is a lie, because what is a home if not the least safe place for you to be?

 

And what is a future, if yours is ruled by uncertainty? Yes, a lie for a lie, you’re sure all you’ll ever do is lie, and it happens every time you have to stay home from school because of another damned black eye.

 

_**(I am made up of lies, and one day, all of these lies are going to eat me alive.)** _

 

Maybe then you’ll get a glimpse, not a full look no, only a small glance, at one of the webs that hold together all of these lies.

 

Maybe one day, the homeroom teacher is finally going to notice how thin one of her students has gotten, how dark the bags beneath their eyes have grown, the cracked lips and the trembling hands that barely manage to pick up a number 2 pencil but somehow do it anyway, because the thought of being sent to the nurse terrified them more than the thought of going home and being met with silence.

 

The silence is worse than the screaming, or the breaking of plates or chairs being thrown across the room. The silence is a warning, like the calm before the storm.

 

The silence screams, it is not quiet. It scream _watch out_ and _run_. It screams _he’s going to come home soon, you better hide, you’re running out of time._

 

Silence screams, and it sounds like red.

 

Silence sounds like red, in the same way that wind sounds like blue, rain sounds like purple and the 3rd period art teacher’s voice sounds like orange. Red. Blue. Purple. Orange.

 

Silence.

 

Screaming sounds like everything and nothing. It sounds like too many colors, all of them at once, all far too loud and overwhelming.

 

It sounds like nothing when you manage to block it all out and your mind gets to go away for a little while, at least until it’s not loud anymore.

 

Silence screams. Screaming is silent.

 

At least this house isn’t as bad as the last.

 

It had no holes in the walls, but far too many bottles on the ground. Pills. Booze. _More_ pills. Always the damn pills. If you looked inside you’d see someone going to the bathroom and stepping on loose pills, and then you’d see little fingers picking them from where they’d get stuck on the bottom of their foot, and placing them on the sink. Don’t ever throw them out. Mother won’t be happy if she thinks any of her pills have gone missing.

 

She counts them all, she really loves to counts. Sometimes she loses count though, and then she gets really angry.

 

Red handprints stain a cheek, or that one time she got really angry and dug her teeth into a tiny wrist, leaving big purple marks on the canvas.

 

Her voice was purple, just like the rain. Just like the rain that batters against the castle’s only window all day and all night. It never stops raining. Everything is purple.

 

This house isn’t as bad. It’s predictable, like clockwork.

 

It’s reliable.

 

Like the tick-tock of the lone classroom clock, or the timer on a large scale bomb.

 

_Tick tock, tick tock. One two, three four._

 

Mother loved to count. She was always counting. Sometimes she forgot how.

 

Now Dahyun likes to count, she keeps track of time. Keeps track of the clock, counts the tick tocks on her way out of the last class, counts them on her way home from school, and counts them until she finds a place to hide away. How much more counting until the beast comes out to play?

 

One, two, three, four; just like:  counting, hiding, silence, screaming. It’s a cycle, a routine.

 

Just like clockwork. Always on schedule.

 

Don’t lose track of time, there’s no clock in the castle, you have to rely on your mind.

 

Sleeping doesn’t come so easily at home. Not because it’s loud. It’s harder to sleep when it’s quiet.

 

Why is it quiet? _Someone’s looking for you, gonna find your hiding place. Don’t fall asleep._

 

Sleeping peacefully is a luxury kids in nicer homes get to have.

 

Dahyun’s envious.

 

They eat at home, she eats at school. They eat three meals a day; she eats two meals a day. They eat seven days a week, she eats five. They have nicer clothes, theirs actually fits them. She wears shoes that are too small, they’re worn down and have holes in the sides. 

 

But there’s one thing she has that they don’t. She’s got a good friend, not just any good friend: the bestest friend. She’s got Sana.

 

Sana doesn’t ask why Dahyun missed three days of school in a row, or why she refuses to take her jacket off indoors. Sana gives Dahyun half of her tomato sandwich and tells her about the art project they have to do. Because even though Dahyun wasn’t at school, Sana saved her a seat.

 

Sana saved her a seat every day, and when their teacher asked them to find a partner, Sana refused to be with anyone but Dahyun. She wrote her name on the form and told the teacher Dahyun would be back soon, it was just a matter of days.

 

The teachers didn’t even ask Dahyun why she wasn’t at school, she thinks it’s better that way. Sana didn’t ask either, but that’s only because she knows why Dahyun wasn’t at school.

 

Just like Dahyun knows that when Sana isn’t at school, it’s because she’s at home sweeping glass and scrubbing wine off the walls. She's picking up her mother’s pills and placing them back into the little yellow bottles. Her mother doesn’t count them, she doesn’t have time because they’re in her stomach before her brain can remember how many were in her hand.

 

Wait, were they even in her hand? Or did she pour them into her mouth straight from the bottle? She can’t remember.

 

Sana wishes she couldn’t remember. She wishes she could forget everything.

 

And as the years go by, she finds out she can. For a little while at least.

 

She follows her mother’s footsteps, and she forgets how to count as well. She doesn’t know how many pills are in her stomach, just knows that there are too many, and that mixing them with alcohol makes her fall asleep. She likes it.

 

She does it every night.

 

Dahyun does it too. Not with Sana at first, not during the time they stopped being friends.

 

She does it with her girlfriend. Her _dealer._

 

Her first real relationship, with a girl who wanted a toy.

 

The first time they got high together, Dahyun didn’t feel much. It was alright, but it wasn’t crazy.

 

The second time, they had fun. They stole a road sign at 3am and dumped it in a stranger’s pool.

 

The third time, Dahyun had a seizure.

 

Apparently Dahyun was talking too much, and her girlfriend was tired of putting up with her. Wanting some silence for a few hours, she told Dahyun that they were going to smoke, pop some pills, do a line or two and down it with raspberry vodka. She figured that would shut her up for the night.

 

So they did, and her girlfriend felt pleasantly numb, laying in bed and humming along to the music on the radio as her vision blurred and her hands and legs tingled. She took half of the amount she gave Dahyun, or was it a third?

 

Dahyun doesn’t remember how long she blacked out for.

 

Her girlfriend told her it was 20 minutes.

 

Twenty minutes passed since Dahyun blacked out, sitting with her face in her hands and drool pooling out of her mouth, staining her jeans. Her girlfriend didn’t care, she was happy for the silence.

 

Dahyun doesn’t remember it, she just remembers looking up, confused to why her hands were wet and her ears ringing.

 

She remembers looking at her girlfriend, not being able to recognize her, or remember where she was. Nothing made sense.

 

She could hear the music but every word was repeated six times, she couldn’t see much with her eyes opened, so she closed them and all she could make out were spirals. Her hearing sounded like spirals too.

 

Everything was a spiral.

 

Circles over circles, overlapping, twisting, wrapping around her wrists.

 

No wait- that was someone’s fingers.

 

They were cold as ice; they pulled viciously, dragging her into a sitting position. The hands let go of her wrists, and her own hands reached up to her face. It was soaked.

 

She opened her eyes and through heavily blurred vision could see tears and blood.

 

When had she started crying? Why was she bleeding?

 

The music was too loud; it echoed in her ears and ricocheted off the walls of her brain. She tried to focus on what she was hearing, but all she heard was her mind screaming.

 

_It’s gold, the music, the spirals, the tingling in your toes: it’s all gold._

 

She heard something else too, not music, she couldn’t make out its color. It got closer, until it was right in her ear.

 

“Stop fucking punching yourself! What’s _wrong_ with you?”

 

It was her girlfriend.

 

Finally Dahyun remembered her. She counted the seconds until she would forget again. It was a cycle.

 

She’d have thoughts that made sense for what felt like 3 seconds. She’d feel herself losing track of them, then couldn’t remember what she’d just been thinking about, and finally she’d forget who and where she was, remembering only the spirals and the hammering in her chest. That was her heart, she was able to identify by placing a hand over it. She’d never felt it beat so fast, what was going on?

 

Was she dying?

 

Was she dead?

 

Wait, who was she again?

 

She got to three and lost count, or maybe it was 4, or 5. There was a burning in her chest, like flames were spreading through her body and climbing up to her head. The flames wanted inside her mind, that had to be it.

 

She felt the heat in her spine, a stabbing pain followed.

 

Dahyun fell back, and felt herself rocking back and forth. Folding in and out again, her body thrashed around. She had no control of her limbs as they stretched, bent, locked, and jerked around. She couldn’t hear the music anymore. All she heard was screaming.

 

Why was someone screaming?

 

Who was here?

 

It took her three counts to realize she was the one screaming, and crying.

 

She couldn’t stop; she even forgot she was doing it after three more counts. The heat was in her throat now. She tried opening her mouth to say something, anything, but no words came out.

 

No words _could_ come out, because there was only enough room for the foam that formed, pushing through her clenched teeth as her jaw muscles locked.

 

She felt herself being rolled on her side, cold hands gripping her arm to keep her from rolling onto her back again. There was a voice. She heard words here and there while falling in and out of consciousness.

 

“Yeah I rolled her on her side. Now what?”

 

A familiar voice.

 

Who was that?

 

Why was there someone here other than herself?

 

Why couldn’t she remember?

 

Dahyun felt frustrated, she didn’t understand anything.

 

The spirals didn’t stop, they were larger now, spinning faster, getting closer. She felt them everywhere. They were hot, they burnt her skin, burnt her insides. She felt them in her throat, behind her eyelids.

 

The hand on her arm disappeared, and Dahyun wondered if she’d simply imagined it was there all along.

 

She heard a bang, and then several thuds. Someone had just closed a door and gone down the back staircase.

 

Who had left?

 

Had someone been here?

 

Suddenly she was struck by fear. She couldn’t remember who had been in the room, or what room she was in. Why couldn’t she remember?

 

 _What_ couldn’t she remember?

 

She heard sirens, she couldn’t open her eyes. More loud thuds. Voices she couldn’t recognize. They had no color. She couldn’t figure out their color. They were all talking at once, if they could just shut up and speak slower maybe she could-

 

“Miss? Excuse me, Miss? We got a call about a young girl having a seizure, do you-“

 

She didn’t hear the rest, she sputtered saliva onto the sheets, body racking into another jerking fit. She tasted blood, had she spit blood? She realized she was choking, she couldn’t breathe, there was something in her throat-

 

“Miss, I’m going to hold your wrists, okay? This is to stop you from hurting yourself. Can you see me?”

 

What? How could she when her eyes were closed. This didn’t make any sense, she was getting more frustrated as time went on. Another voice was heard.

 

“Her eyes are open but she’s not responding. Let’s measure her bpm.”

 

Her eyes weren’t open, they were closed! This man was lying. He was lying and he didn’t know she-

 

Wait, what was he lying about again?

 

 _Who_ was lying?

 

“187 bpm, resting. She’s been foaming at the mouth, there’s fresh blood over her face and shirt. Clear signs of a seizure.”

 

She finally felt the constricting pain around her right upper arm, it was loosening up though. She heard the Velcro detach. They’d been taking her pressure. She could remember that. 

 

She forgot.

 

“Miss could you please tell me what your first name is? Do you know what your name is?”

 

No response.

 

Dahyun’s heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. She was fully on fire now, she could feel it.

 

“Alright, someone look for a wallet or a backpack. Anything you think might have any pieces of identification in it. Grab her left arm and help me put her on the stretcher, we’ll strap her in and carry her outside.”

 

There was rustling sounds, and Dahyun blacked out again. She doesn’t remember what happened between then and the ambulance ride. But she could tell it was bright. She couldn’t see much, no faces or anything, just very bright lights shone directly in her eyes. Almost like closing your eyes in direct sunlight, you can tell it’s bright on the other side, but you can’t see anything. Except her eyes weren’t closed, they were wide open, as told to her by the emergency response team.

 

She remembered her girlfriend. Where was she? Had she been with her that night?

 

She wanted to speak, but she felt something covering her mouth. She tested it out, and heard a low groaning sound. Someone next to her lifted the oxygen mask off of her face,

 

“I’m sorry, Miss, what was that?”

 

She tried to clear her throat, it burned. It was coarse, but she tried again, managing to only get one word out through stuttering.

 

“Alone?”

 

The mask was placed snugly over her mouth and nose once more, whoever sat next to her spoke up in turn.

 

“You’re not alone. You’re in an ambulance, and we’re taking you to the hospital.”

 

She didn’t say anything more, she didn’t have anything else to say. The van rolled over bumps here and there, knocking her out of her daze for a few seconds and reminding her that she was still here. Her limbs jerked periodically, and the heat never died down.

 

Moments passed before the same voice spoke up again.

 

“If you were asking if you were alone as in did someone accompany you, then the answer’s no. I imagine you were with someone since they called in to report the situation, and when we got to the house the door was left open, and you were on a mattress in the front room. Whoever it was, they saved your life.”

 

It felt like an eternity before they arrived at the hospital. Another blackout, she was sure. Because what she remembers next is being strapped to a hospital bed, electrodes stuck to her chest, arms and abdomen. A doctor was talking to her, she could tell from the long white coat. It reminded her of when she’d wanted to be a doctor growing up. When she’d lived with her mom, before she’d been taken away, and the woman had been in medical school, Dahyun had spent many hours reading through her textbooks. She didn’t understand much of anything, but it was fun to look at the pictures and pick up some new words.

 

The doctor cleared his throat, and Dahyun was brought back to the scene in front of her. He had papers in his hands, far too many wrinkles, and ears that seemed too big for his head. Wait, when had she started being able to see again?

 

It was then that she remembered the events from earlier, and looking down, could see her limbs were no longer jerking. But she was still cuffed to the bed’s railings, for safety. There was an I.V in her left arm, which poked out from the gown she’d been changed into. Looking to her right, she noticed her clothes discarded into a pile on the floor, her yellow t-shirt covered in blood. Right, someone had mentioned something about punching herself. She felt the gauze under her nose, could feel it tickling her top lip when she opened her mouth. She was gaining feeling in parts of her body as she felt herself gain more of her consciousness.

 

“Miss Kim. Do you know where you are?”

 

She cleared her throat as well, feeling it crackle as she did. It was sore, but then again so was the rest of the body parts she could feel.

 

“Hospital.”

 

He jotted something down onto one of the papers with the pen in his right hand.

 

“Right, so do you know why you’re here?”

 

She thought for a moment, and could only remember bits and pieces, but couldn’t remember the exact reason.

 

“Uh, no. Sorry.”

 

“You had an almost fatal overdose. Someone called the emergency responders and they found you in the midst of a full-blown seizure. You were bleeding out of your nose and-“

 

She zoned out then, collecting pieces of her memory together like a puzzle and trying to remember it all. She’d been with her girlfriend, right? She remembered crying, and then there was the spirals-

 

It hit her like an iron fist to her abdomen. Crashing into her full force, she remembered as much as her memory would allow. Getting high, the seizure, the crying and screaming, the hallucinations. She remembered her girlfriend, and understood now why she’d been alone in the ambulance. Of course, she couldn’t have come with, or they’d have busted her for drug possession. It made sense for her to have run; she’d taken her supply with her to save them both from any jail time. It made sense for her to run. It made complete sense. But part of Dahyun felt hurt that she hadn’t stayed to make sure she made it out alive.

 

“We found your wallet in your backpack. With your I.D we were able to bring up your file and had to call your legal guardian since you're only sixteen.”

 

Dahyun’s eyes snapped to the doctor upon hearing this, her full attention on him. They’d called her father? Was he here? He couldn’t find out about this, if he didn’t kill her then he’d surely break every bone in her body and feed it to the neighborhood dogs. She had to get out of here, she had to-

 

She couldn’t do anything. Because the doctor walked over to the door, opening it to reveal the last person she wanted to see on the other side.

 

“I’ve prescribed you with a refill on your current prescriptions, however they will only be given to your legal guardian and kept with them at all times to ensure you don’t try to take an incorrect dosage of any kind. I’ve also prescribed you with two days bed rest, since we’ve monitored you for the past 26 hours and there’s no need for an extended stay.”

 

One look to her father told Dahyun all she needed to know; she would not be getting any rest at home. The anger that burned in his eyes was more wicked and heated than the flames she had felt in her body earlier. He was going to put through her hell, and she wasn’t going to be able to hide or run this time. She had let him down, he was already so disappointed in her, but now that he found out she’d done drugs? _Fuck._

 

There was no running, she knew.

 

She knew from the way his jaw clenched as the doctor spoke, from the harsh pull on her wrist guiding her towards their car once they were in the parking lot, from the careless driving on the way home caused by his anger.

 

She knew it from the way he threw her against the wall once they were inside the house, away from anyone’s prying eyes.

 

She knew from the way her head pounded, not just from the effects of the overdose, but also from his fist colliding with her cheek, sending a throbbing pain upwards.

 

She knew it from the way her body was too weak to pull itself back up like it usually would, from the way she couldn’t even muster up the strength to think about running outside and to another neighbourhood, but where would she go?

 

Her girlfriend had ran, and she probably wouldn’t be going back to her house anytime soon until the heat died down. Dahyun couldn’t call her, because her father had taken her phone away, and she knew her girlfriend would be avoiding using her personal phone at all costs. Dahyun knew the number to her work phone, but she had never called it since they’d started dating. Now she wouldn’t be able to anyway, there wasn’t a payphone within 30 minutes walking distance.

 

She’d have to wait and endure the consequences. She already knew what the next few days would look like.

 

She’d wait it out, she could handle it. She could take it all, and if she couldn’t, then maybe it would finally kill her, and that didn’t sound so bad.

 

Not when her vision blurred again, this time from the tears as she felt her father’s boot collide with her ribs.

 

A sharp stab, she couldn’t breathe. She counted to seven, and it felt like hours, not seconds. She could breathe again, slowly, otherwise the stabbing pain would return. But it wasn’t so bad, really, it was fine.

 

“Stop _crying,_ you little bitch! What the fuck do you have to cry about? You’re the one who went out there and embarrassed me today? Do you know what that makes me look like?”

 

Another kick, but she managed to block it with her arm. Then another. It throbbed.

 

“Do you know how disappointed you’ve made me? Do you know how fucking upset I am with you right now?”

 

The kicking stopped; she felt her head swimming with pain at that point.

 

He crouched by her face, rough hands grabbing her jaw and forcing her to look him in the eyes. His eyes were dark, lifeless yet bright with anger.

 

“You think you make the fucking rules around here? I’ll show you who the boss is. No daughter of mine is gonna go around thinking she’s better than me. You’re nothing.”

 

She heard it before she had time to feel it, and felt it before she had time to see it. He slammed his heavy boot down on her hand, breaking her pinky knuckle. It was a searing pain, but she said nothing. She wasn't allowed to cry in front of him, it only made things worse, but she couldn't help it.

 

Tears streamed down her face, and she heard him scoff. His last words rang true, she was useless. She couldn’t even control her own body. Not when it came to crying, not when she had a seizure before. She didn’t know how she’d survived, but she wished she hadn’t. Then she wouldn’t have to live through any of this.

 

She heard him walk out of the room, heard the thud of his boots fade away and the slam of his bedroom door.

 

Silence. Four counts. Tick tock, tick tock.

 

Those words echoed louder in her mind, they swam behind her eyelids as she felt herself being pulled towards someplace deep inside of it. She didn’t know where, but she let it take her, feeling herself lose feeling in her body once more. She was going to let it lull her to sleep, or wherever it so pleased, and hope it took her away for good.

 

She was so tired, she didn’t think there’d be any other way for her to sleep in the eerie silence, but her body had been through too much in one night. Maybe she’d get some rest after all, only 18 000 tick tocks to go until he would come back into the living room.

 

She lost count after 4, passing out for the rest of the night.

 

The castle was dead silent that night. Not even the beast’s snoring could be heard.

 

Dahyun slept in the living room overnight instead of the basement closet she usually tucked herself away in. She didn’t go to school the next day, or the day after that.

 

She didn’t go to school for an entire week and a half,

 

she didn’t get her phone back for three,

 

and didn’t hear from her girlfriend for four.

 

When she saw her, they got high, not to such an intense amount, but high enough. Her girlfriend didn’t ask about that night, and Dahyun never dared to say a word.

 

The words were burning on her tongue, but she was too scared to ask.

 

_Why didn’t you come looking for me?_

 

 

 

So you wanted to take a look,

 

But are you still so sure?

 

Everyone knows you don’t belong here,

 

You should just run and hide while you have the chance.

 

That’s how people survive out here,

 

_When Night Falls_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the song that helped me write this chapter, it's one of my favorites and I find it fits the theme quite well. Skip to 8:07 if you don't want to listen to the whole thing. https://youtu.be/qO8yfBLNVjU
> 
>  
> 
> (Where this story takes place, it’s not illegal to take drugs, just illegal to sell them. So if you think some parts of the story don’t make sense because South Korea has laws against something and it wouldn’t have worked out the way it did in my writing: don’t worry about it.) 


	3. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Yoo Jeongyeon and Kim Doyeon, with a side of Im Nayeon and Hirai Momo.

Tzuyu had never been the best at handling her emotions, not that she’d ever learned how in the past, or thought of learning to do so now.

 

It wasn’t on her list of priorities, not when there were so many other more pressing matters. She supposes maybe she should’ve tried, at some point, to learn how to cope in healthier ways.

 

Maybe then she wouldn’t have found herself laying on the basement floor at Jae’s, the drugs in her system making it impossible for her legs to even try gaining the strength it would take to get up. She couldn’t even think about getting off the floor, even if there were dozens of bodies around her, jumping along to the music, completely unaffected by the motionless girl a few meters away from them.

 

She couldn’t think about that, not when she was falling in and out of consciousness, the buzz in her veins and her head serving as the only thing that kept her awake- _barely so_ \- besides the pain in her chest.

 

She knew it was bound to happen eventually, should’ve known from how often Sana talked about wanting to go to Seoul, how hopeful she seemed when she rambled about the city, but she was foolish. She’d gotten attached, had put too much trust in the friendship she had with the older girl, and had gotten too comfortable in the false security it provided her.

 

Sana hadn’t told her she was leaving, hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye, even if she had every chance to. Tzuyu would have taken the day off school, or at least skipped one of her classes to be able to go with Dahyun and the other girl to the bus station.

 

It wasn’t even really the fact that she hadn’t said goodbye, it was how she assumed Tzuyu would understand.

 

Sana assumed the young girl would be okay with it, okay with her dipping out of her life without a single word, with no way to keep in touch, no information on where she was moving to, what she’d be doing.

 

Maybe it was much simpler than that, maybe she was just a coward and couldn’t bear to face Tzuyu to tell her how she was going to run away from them.

 

Sana had promised to keep in touch, but she didn’t have a cellphone or money to pay a monthly phone bill, didn’t have access to any electronics or social media, and couldn’t even email her to let her know she was still alive. She was gone, vanished like a ghost, and Tzuyu had never felt so abandoned in her life.

 

When her parents threw her out, she had run into Sana and Dahyun’s arms. They’d taken her in.

 

Dahyun had set her up with a place and a job, kept her in school and made sure she studied hard. Sana had been her shoulder to cry on, her confidant, someone who gave her advice on any questions Tzuyu had, and put all her fears to rest so easily.

 

Both girls were so important to Tzuyu, as was Chaeyoung, but the bond she shared with Dahyun and Sana had quite literally saved her life. And now Sana had disappeared, hadn’t bothered to say anything to her, had assumed she’d be fine with it.

 

Well she wasn’t.

 

She wasn’t fucking fine with it, not at all.

 

That’s what led her to take far too many pills, mixed with such a large amount of alcohol, until she absolutely could not feel any part of her body. But it meant she wouldn’t feel anything else either, not the burn in her throat from the amount of sobbing she’d done before she reached her 7th shot of absinthe, not the ache in her chest from having the trust she placed in Sana ripped right out of her heart, and it meant her mind was blissfully numb to how she really felt. Because if you can’t understand your emotions or why you feel them, might as well make them go away right?

 

Nothing could go wrong with that, Tzuyu figured. It was the only way to take the pain away, and if it worked why would she rob herself of that freedom?

 

Dahyun hadn’t bothered to stop her like she usually would; in fact the older girl had joined her, wanting to push away the pain she felt from no longer having her best friend by her side. She had Tzuyu and Chaeyoung, sure, but she needed all three of them to feel whole. Now a piece of her was missing, the way it always felt whenever she was apart from Sana, and she didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to feel it, _any_ of it.

 

It was worth the hours she spent shaking on the bathroom floor afterwards, her body unable to throw up anymore, teeth clattering from the cold and the adrenaline. She’d taken too many pills again, exactly what she said she wouldn’t do, but it wasn’t enough to actually kill her.

 

It just didn’t help that she’d mixed it with lines of ice, had split half of the white powder she had with Tzuyu. It was stupid, it was so stupid, but they didn’t care. At least they weren’t thinking about Sana, or how worried they felt for her, how cold it felt without her around.

 

It had only been a few weeks, yet they’d done more damage to themselves in that short period of time than they’d done in their entire life.

 

Some days Tzuyu didn’t even go to school, but she always managed to show up for work, knowing she could forego a few classes but couldn’t survive without the money she needed to pay her rent and to feed her addiction.

 

Dahyun stopped trying to convince her to go back, only because she knew the girl needed time to deal with it in her own way. Tzuyu’s sudden spiral hadn’t just been from Sana’s absence, she was finally dealing with all the emotions she’d supressed from when her parents abandoned her, and Dahyun was sure there’d been trauma from before that too.

 

They had grown closer in the past few weeks, ever since the night of Sana’s departure, when Dahyun had walked into Jae’s unsure of how to break the news to her younger friend. She’d barely gotten a few words out before Tzuyu had cut her off.

 

“ _She left us, didn’t she?_ ”

 

She’d cried then, and Dahyun had held her through the sobs, running her fingers through the girl’s hair and reassuring her that it was nothing she had done, Sana just needed to get away from the city. It wasn’t them; it was the city, always the city.

 

Tzuyu had asked,

 

_“Aren’t we enough for her?”_

 

Dahyun had almost cried too, but she soldiered through, wanting to put on a strong face for the young girl, to show her that it was okay; things were going to be fine.

 

But the façade didn’t last, not when neither of them knew how to handle their shit, and they spiraled out of control.

 

Chaeyoung hadn’t noticed it at first, had been thrilled that their oldest friend was finally joining on some of their wildest night time adventures.

 

She screamed of joy when Dahyun didn’t scold her for getting in trouble, but instead told her,

 

“If you’re gonna cause chaos, you’ve gotta do it the _right_ way.”

 

Before proceeding to show her how to make a proper Molotov, and throwing it into a nearby dumpster, the three girls laughing as the thing burst into flames, scorching with it all the bags and cardboard inside.

 

It only got worse from there, and that was when Chaeyoung started to worry. She was now in Dahyun’s shoes, having to keep her two other friends from getting into the type of trouble they couldn’t be saved from.

 

Like when Tzuyu decided to trade her supply of cocaine for a semi-automatic pistol. It was when she started hanging out with people even Jae had warned them to stay away from, and would come home with cuts and bruises that their first aid kit couldn’t do much to help. She was always running out of money, blowing it out of impulse on things that would only get her in more trouble.

 

Sometimes she would be on cloud 9 it seemed, she could talk for hours and hours with such passion for things Chaeyoung barely understood, and she’d coerce the older girl into pulling dangerous stunts with her.

 

Other days Tzuyu couldn’t even get out of bed, she would barely say a word and she spent all of her time crying. Nothing Chaeyoung did could make her stop crying, she hated those days the most.

 

Chaeyoung could tell her friends were keeping secrets from her, and they told her to stay out of it, told the girl that she didn’t understand and was just making assumptions but she wasn’t stupid.

 

Especially not when Dahyun would go days without visiting Jae’s, only to show up with fading bruises, the bags under her eyes giving way to the amount of sleep she’d surely not been getting enough of. She’d gotten a glimpse of a fresh scar on Dahyun’s abdomen, while carrying her to the bathroom one night when the girl had parachuted half a bottle of clonazepam.

 

Dahyun had told her she got her appendix removed, but Chaeyoung knew that was absolutely not where the appendix was located, and if the older girl had bothered to go to school once in a while maybe she’d have learned it too and could have come up with a better lie.

 

Still, it wasn’t her business, and she wasn’t about to press further onto the issue, knowing from the shape of the wound that it had most likely come from a blade, and Dahyun wouldn’t want to talk about it.

 

 

Tzuyu and Dahyun kept busy with work when they weren’t ruining themselves, and Chaeyoung kept herself distracted from it all by going to school. She had been accepted into the advanced arts program, and she was working hard on the assignments her teacher gave the class in hopes of getting a fully paid scholarship to university, where she planned to major in Fine Arts.

 

She just needed to work harder, and so she spent almost all of her time in school, she didn’t even have time to go on drunken adventures downtown like her brain begged her to do; needing release from the amount of pressure the program was putting on her.

 

She didn’t mind it too much, though, because if she stayed late after school to work on assignments, it meant she’d have to spend less time at Jae’s, where she’d have to face the reality of her life.

 

She knew the scholarship was the only way she’d be able to get anywhere good in life, because her grades in other classes weren’t the best, and she didn’t have anything else to fall back on. Her family was Tzuyu and Dahyun, and they weren’t all that available lately, so she’d spend most of her time alone, or consequently end up following them to whatever bar or party they went to when they weren’t at Jae’s.

 

That was the life Chaeyoung was used to, and she loved it, that’s where she felt like she fit in, where she belonged.

 

But her teacher had talked her into applying to the advanced program, had told her she had talent and potential, that she could make something out of herself by going to university. And Chaeyoung had listened; because this teacher seemed to have it all figured out, seemed to believe in her. And honestly, the young girl didn’t know where she would end up if she didn’t go to university, she wasn’t cut out to sell drugs, and she didn’t want to scam people into buying fake antique paintings for the rest of her life.

 

She wanted to see and create beautiful things, through travelling and art, she wanted to see more than the life she was used to.

 

Living in the slums was bad enough, but working and becoming a part of it was something else, and she was tired. Maybe she had hope, or maybe she was foolish, but she was going to try, because she really had nothing else to lose.

 

She wondered why her friends didn’t seem to care about their future, or maybe it was that they were tired of waiting to find out if it would get better.

 

Tzuyu had talked about wanting to go to university, but now she didn’t even show up to school most days, let alone seem hopeful about anything. 

 

Dahyun didn’t talk about school, none of them even knew if she was still enrolled, but she didn’t have any plans for the future regarding getting a higher education.

 

Chaeyoung felt out of place, she didn’t like the idea that if she got accepted into her dream school she’d have to leave them behind, she couldn’t imagine being alone again.

 

Why couldn’t she follow her dreams and have her friends by her side?

 

Why was life so unfair and complicated?

 

She figured that’s just the way it was for people like her. She wasn’t born wealthy, and didn’t get many opportunities, but somehow people always saw the good in her, even when she didn’t see it in herself.

 

Like when Jae had given her a place to stay when she’d been all alone, scared of the world and unsure of her fate.

 

Or how Dahyun always supported her in whatever she did, whether it be applying to the arts program or selling a handmade bead bracelet for 4$ so she’d have enough money to buy herself cup noodles and a granola bar.

 

Tzuyu was supportive too, she was reliable and always ready to follow Chaeyoung wherever. Even on days where the youngest wouldn’t go to school, where she was hungover and could barely stand straight. She’d still walk Chaeyoung to school and pick her up (on foot) whenever the older girl texted her that she’d be coming back to Jae’s.

 

Tzuyu knew Chaeyoung didn’t like walking alone, even if she was completely capable of handling herself if ever there was any trouble, she just preferred the company. It helped her not feel so anxious about the amount of people she’d be surrounded by during the day in school when she had a distraction to focus on during the walk there.

 

She didn’t deal with crowds very well, or people in general, which was ironic considering she loved getting drunk and attending the music shows at Jae’s. That was where she felt true to herself and got most of her inspiration from, that she would later channel into her art pieces.

 

When people went to Jae’s, nobody cared about who they were outside those doors; they were their most honest selves inside that dingy basement. 

 

She would observe the people that came in, study them as they danced or cheered along to the music, and sketch them later when she was in school.

 

Chaeyoung was patient with Dahyun and Tzuyu just like the oldest had been with the younger two when they’d first met, when the two teenagers would continuously get into trouble, and the older girl would have to bail them out. Now it was her turn to be understanding.

 

She hadn’t really known Sana, just heard bits and pieces of stories from Dahyun or Tzuyu, but she understood the pain the other two must have felt, and sympathized with the oldest girl who’d taken off without any certainty that she’d be okay in Seoul.

 

Chaeyoung couldn’t relate to a lot of the things her friends went through, even if they lived the same lifestyle now, she’d grown up relatively well.

 

Her parents were separated, but life at home was relatively _“normal”_ , and besides her mother neglecting her some of the time for her boyfriend, things were alright.

 

Leaving home had been at her father’s request when she refused to follow a path he’d chosen for her.

 

He wanted her to pursue a career in criminal justice, just like he’d done, but she’d denied. She wanted to study art, become a professional artist and travel the world.

 

He loved her, that’s what he said, but he wouldn’t allow her to live under his roof if she wouldn’t follow his request, and so she had to leave. The young girl didn’t understand why he would do such a thing if he really cared for her like he said he did, and it tore her up inside.

 

It was so sudden, such a drastic change from the father she’d grown up living with, the man she’d admired and looked up to.

 

Chaeyoung didn’t have many friends at that time, most of them school acquaintances, and so she spent weeks sleeping under bridges, on park benches, in public bathroom stalls. She even tried to sleep in the school’s library or locker rooms some nights, but would run away when janitors came in to clean.

 

At least the school had showers and bathrooms accessible to students, as well as a cafeteria.

 

Those were the days when she’d started stealing, when the workers weren’t looking and she had the chance to swipe whatever items of food were the closest to her. It was easy enough, and it kept her alive, so she saw no reason to stop.

 

From there it only escalated, she stole mittens and scarves when the weather got cold, and when she felt she’d perfected the art of shoplifting, she moved onto other clothes and valuable items that she’d be able to sell for profit.

 

She’d never gotten caught for swiping any big money items, like watches or earrings, but she had the unfaithful chance of getting arrested one day when she didn’t check her surroundings. 

 

Having gotten too cocky with her skills, she was pulled into the local police station for having attempted to steal some oranges.

 

That was when she met Jae.

 

He’d been at the station for some business, and he watched Chaeyoung walk through the door, guided by an officer as she thrashed around, begging them to let her go or at least loosen the handcuffs. 

 

He’d convinced the officer to forget about what happened, told them that he’d pay whatever sum of money was needed for their silence, and then asked her where she was from once they’d gotten outside.

 

She didn’t really trust him, but she was curious why a stranger cared if she went to jail or not over some oranges.

 

Jae offered her a place to stay, explained that he had this house where runaways found refuge when they needed protection, that she didn’t have to be alone anymore, he’d look out for her.

 

Chaeyoung had already agreed the moment he said she’d have her own room, because honestly the mention of a mattress and a source of heat was enough to convince her into anything.

 

Her room was paid for through small favours, like bringing packages he gave her to her school, handing it off to whatever teacher Jae told her to go see. 

 

She never asked what was inside.

 

The professors would give her an envelope with money, and she’d bring it back to the man. It was so simple, almost _too_ simple, but it was better than some of the jobs people at Jae’s were tasked to do. She figured she got it easy, and made a point never to complain or seem ungrateful.

 

Besides Dahyun and Tzuyu, there was also Kim Do-yeon. She and Chaeyoung didn’t go to school together, but they’d become acquainted at a show.

 

Doyeon had met Sana and Tzuyu through some friends, and gotten closer with Dahyun and Chaeyoung over time. The young girl didn’t live at Jae’s, but she spent a considerable amount of time there, being one of his dealers, attending every music show during the weekend and hanging out with those who lived there during the week.

 

It wasn’t until after Sana moved away that Chaeyoung began seeing more of Doyeon, since the girl had just gotten suspended from school for the nth time and chose to spend her newfound freedom at Jae’s even more often than she already did, even sleeping in the hallways some nights to avoid going home to her parents.

 

She was friends with many of the other tenants, but whenever Chaeyoung returned from school and Tzuyu was off doing her own thing _(she didn’t like Chaeyoung’s new friend very much)_ , Doyeon would hang out with the older girl in her room, accompanied by Dahyun when she wasn’t working, and the three of them would get wasted.

 

Chaeyoung never bothered with drugs _(besides her prescriptions)_ like her friends did, like so many people around her did, but she was a heavy drinker.  So while the other two would roll up dollar bills to use as straws, snorting lines of crushed benzodiazepines and morphine, she would down a bottle of gin and then they’d go out, if they could even make it up off the floor.

 

Some nights they’d walk around aimlessly, talking about life and whatnot, and other nights they’d end up at their usual bar.

 

Dahyun and Chaeyoung were closer to Tzuyu, but they both tried their best to keep an eye on Doyeon, tried to keep her out of any trouble they could, even though it never worked.

 

Chaeyoung knew her limits, and she stopped herself from pushing them too far.

 

Tzuyu had limits and didn’t care; she made the conscious decision to ignore them which often resulted in near death experiences,

 

But Doyeon?

 

Doyeon didn’t know her limits, didn’t care to find out what they were, and wouldn’t stop when things went too far.

 

 

Doyeon was much harder to keep in line, no matter how many times the others would scold her and tell her that one day she’d do something that would ruin her life for good, she didn’t care.

 

There was one night where Dahyun had to pick her up from a bar because she’d taken a baseball bat and smashed her teacher’s car windows and ran to the only place she could think to escape to. 

 

If she wasn’t knocking herself out with drugs she was getting suspended for violent behavior towards teachers and students alike or being sent to rehabilitation centers by her parents’ request.

 

They knew eventually she’d cross a line and push too far; it was only a matter of time.

 

Tzuyu on the other hand was always reliable, even if she was set on a path to destroy herself, she would drop everything and run to Chaeyoung or Dahyun’s side if they ever needed help, and they would do the same for her. 

 

They were a family, while completely dysfunctional and infuriating at times, they couldn’t pretend otherwise.

 

Tzuyu didn’t like Doyeon though, and made it very clear to the others. 

 

Doyeon was unreliable, and it wasn’t that she didn’t have good intentions or care, she did, she just had other priorities and it wasn’t solely her fault. Drugs do that to people, as sad as it is, it’s the truth.

 

Dahyun and Tzuyu were addicts, sure, but they had managed to always be there for each other somehow, or Chaeyoung and Sana, whenever they needed help or just someone to hang out with.

 

Doyeon didn’t come around if there weren’t any drugs or alcohol, it was a habit they took notice of, and if she showed up and noticed none of them had any money or way to get some, she’d take off. Tzuyu didn’t like feeling as if she was being used, so she stayed away from the other girl.

 

Dahyun and Chaeyoung kept trying to help Doyeon, much to Tzuyu’s chagrin, who warned them that the girl would never care about them as much as they cared for her, and it would only end with them being hurt. 

 

They didn’t listen.

 

Then, for some reason, Doyeon took a special liking to Chaeyoung, even going as far as developing some sort of crush on the girl. She shared this with Dahyun one night when the two were playing pool at a bar.

 

They didn’t often get a chance to hangout one on one, usually there was always someone tagging along and although they didn’t mind it, it was nice to spend some time together without distractions. 

 

Whenever they wanted to get away from the noise at Jae’s -because it so often grew incredibly loud with the music shows in the basement-, they’d head over to Yoo’s for a drink.

 

Yoo’s was a bar owned by and named after the woman who worked there every night: Yoo Jeongyeon. 

 

It was a place for all types of low lives, criminals, people who didn’t want to be found. It was also just a cool place to kick back and spend time with friends.

 

Cops never went in, probably out of fear of being shot on sight, so the place was a safe haven for those needing a place to hide. 

 

Most people didn’t know of its existence as it wasn’t on a main road, it rested in a dingy alleyway, hidden away from any curious eyes as it was sheltered by the mass amounts of taller buildings surrounding it.  The neon sign outside was the only indication of there being life indoors, and the large window by the door had thick iron bars to keep thieves from breaking in.

 

Some people came and went, mainly outsiders from the other side of the city looking to start a fight, but there were regulars.

 

Most who lived at Jae’s or worked for him could be found at Yoo’s, and were very good friends with the owner/bartender if they could get past Jeongyeon’s shitty sense of humor. Not that the girl herself was unbearable to be around, if anything she was quite the life of the party, both literally and figuratively, and had some great advice if you took the time to listen.

 

Jeongyeon often had odd jobs posted on the board in the back, mostly from people who came in and out looking to hire some helping hands, or locals who desperately needed a solution to a problem. In a neighbourhood like that, some shop owners were looking to hire someone to keep thieves or vandalizers away from their stores, and would in return compensate whoever took the job with food or a thick wad of cash.

 

Other jobs were riskier, some looking to hire contract killers, others looking for a crew to help with a burglary.

 

Chaeyoung had once been paid to stay overnight in an empty convenience store after it had closed to ensure no one broke in and stole anything. There were cameras and a security system but if a group of troublemakers were to come in with masks and stuff some items into their bags- they could be in and out in less than 5 minutes, gone before the police would even be on their way to the site. 

 

It happened often, which was why they’d come looking to Yoo’s for help.

 

The job went smoothly, and she did it a few times during the week in exchange for packets of ramen and strawberries.

 

Tzuyu had never picked up a job from the board, although she’d tried many times. 

 

Jeongyeon had threatened to break both of her legs if she did, warning her to stay away from the high-risk jobs (the only ones that _truly_ interested the youngest girl).

 

Dahyun and Doyeon always took offers together, working better as a duo than alone and splitting the profit after it was over. They kept it a secret from their friends, knowing it was best to keep them in the dark so they wouldn’t worry as usual.

 

It was never as risky as it sounded, and most of the time they made it out without any scratches or bruises, back at Jae’s just in time to start their shifts for him ( _sleep isn’t really much of a priority when you don’t know if you’ll make it to your next paycheck_ ).

 

They were considerably close with Jeongyeon and spent any time away from the others with her, and upon forming such a great bond, she’d give them early access to jobs ( _Doyeon likes to call it “having dibs”, Jeongyeon tells her to fuck off_ ).

 

Dahyun and Doyeon didn’t exactly trust each other, because in a world like this you can’t trust anyone,- not even yourself- but they believed their chances of survival were higher if they stuck together.

 

If your chances of succeeding as one are 35%, then those chances double if you’ve got a partner, and those two really loved to gamble.

 

Be it poker, blackjack, darts or cribbage, they liked stacking the odds against others. It was why they spent so many nights at Yoo’s: hustling wasn’t just a job to them; it was their hobby. 

 

They were great at working together but they were even greater at deceiving others.

 

Some nights it was billiards, others it was cards, one night in particular it was Russian roulette but it ended as quickly as it began when one of the players chickened out, leaving the bet amount on the table and hurrying out of the bar.

 

They liked the thrill, and they’d get a good amount of pocket money by the time the night was over.

 

Jeongyeon knew what they did and didn’t care as long as the girls didn’t start any fights, because then she’d have to step in and she didn’t particularly enjoy the idea of wiping blood off the hardwood floors more than she already had to.

 

Nights like these were different though, when the bar was almost empty and there were no jobs on the board waiting to be snatched up, or newcomers willing to try their luck again the duo in a game of their choice.

 

Nights like these, there's just a few other regulars in the corner chatting over some beers, Jeongyeon watching an MMA fight on the tv behind the counter and Dahyun and Doyeon finally getting a chance to unwind after a hectic week of work.

 

It was nice to get a chance to be like this, to enjoy the almost quiet atmosphere besides the noise coming from the radiator by the pool table and whatever American punk song was playing lowly on the speaker above.

 

Almost quiet, just almost, besides of course, Doyeon’s inability to shut the fuck up and admire the tranquility they were so close to having.

 

“Hey, you know Chaeyoung? I think I like her.”

 

It was sudden and blunt. It was Doyeon. Dahyun had learned that it was how the girl was, she blurted things out at the weirdest times. Dahyun didn’t let herself be caught off guard, used to her friend’s antics by now.

 

“Oh, alright then. Why the sudden interest?” She asked, assuming it was just another fleeting crush, like the girl so often had (up to three a week at times, it was exhausting to keep up with).

 

“Don’t know. She’s just cool to hang out with, bearable to be around, ya’ know?”

 

Whether she really meant it or not, Dahyun couldn’t tell, her facial expression was stone cold as usual, same with her tone of voice. Choosing instead to steer the topic elsewhere, Dahyun asked,

 

“Does that make me insufferable to be around then?”

 

With a chuckle, Doyeon was quick to retort, always ready to bicker with the other girl. It was their second favourite pastime, right after hustling. 

 

“Always, Kim. I can barely even stand to look at you.”

 

“Then look at the _table_ , asshole _._ It’s your turn to shoot.” 

 

When Doyeon looked down, she noticed Dahyun was right. Taking a step closer to aim her shot, the younger of the two placed her focus onto the game before straightening up and bringing the conversation back to the topic at hand.

 

“Right, so anyway, I was thinking of asking her out. What do you think?”

 

Dahyun raised an eyebrow, shocked by the sincerity of the question thrown her way. “Since when do you care what I think?”

 

“Shit, I don’t know. I need advice. Haven’t you done this before?” Doyeon’s voice was clear, but from what Dahyun could see, her hands were shaking. She was nervous, so maybe she really did have some interest in Chaeyoung.

 

Dahyun tried her best not to roll her eyes, already bored to death with where this conversation was heading. “Done what?”

 

“ _Dates_ or whatever.”

 

“Ah, no. I’ve been in relationships but never gone on a date, sorry. You’ll have to ask someone else.” 

 

Even if she would've had experience, she wouldn’t have given Doyeon any advice. It wasn’t her place to tell her how to approach Chaeyoung, and it felt odd talking about her younger friend without her being around.

 

“There’s no one else to ask. Man, liking someone is fucking exhausting. I don’t even know where to start.”

 

There was a chuckle heard from behind the counter. Jeongyeon had pulled her attention away from the fighting on TV and over to the two girls who’d been talking just loud enough for her to hear their conversation.

 

“Got something you wanna share Yoo?” Doyeon was quick to speak up, ready to tell Jeongyeon to _just fuck off_ as usual.

 

“Oh, you know how teenage relationship troubles just fascinate me to no end,” Getting up from the stool she’d been camped on, the blonde unhurriedly made her way over to her friends, grabbing the cue stick from between Doyeon’s hands and bending over the table  to take a shot.

 

“Instead of wondering what she _might_ be into, why don’t you just ask her?” She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

 

When her intended target fell into the socket, Jeongyeon pulled herself up, leaning back against the table and looking at the youngest girl with an amused smile.

 

“Are you kidding? You want me to just walk up to her and ask her what she’d like to do?” Both Doyeon and Dahyun had disbelieving looks splayed across their faces, dumbfounded to hear such useless advice.

 

“Well, yeah. How else are you gonna take her on a date she actually wants to be on?”

 

“That just seems, I don’t know, too _easy_.” Doyeon was at a loss, the words she was hearing seemed too good to be true. Jeongyeon obviously had no idea what she was talking about. _But what if she did?_

 

“That’s because it _is_ that easy. Stop overthinking it and just ask her.” Jeongyeon’s words were accompanied with a swat to the back of Doyeon's head.

 

“What makes you think Chaeyoung even likes this idiot? She’s never mentioned anything about it to me.” It was Dahyun’s turn to join in on the conversation now, having lost interest in watching her friends bicker.

 

“What, so you just assume she tells you every little thing she thinks of? I know your ego’s big, Kim, but that’s a stretch.” Dahyun ignored her comment, knowing it would be a waste of time to say anything about it.

 

“I mean, really, why _wouldn’t_ she like me?” Doyeon kept pressing the topic, testing how far she could push before Dahyun threw a snarky remark back at her. It was a game they often played, it could go on for hours, but it seemed her older friend wasn’t in the mood.

 

“For the sake of not wanting to ruin our work relationship, I’m not gonna answer that question.”

 

Jeongyeon laughed at that and handed the stick back to Doyeon before walking once again towards the bar, fetching a clean glass from the shelves above and pouring herself a drink.

 

“As much as I’d love to take a jab at that, the kid’s right. Cut her some slack, we don’t know what Son thinks. _It won’t hurt her to ask._ ”

 

There was some shuffling heard, and then the sound of glasses clinking together from the other corner of the bar, before Jeongyeon piped up again. “Besides, you shouldn’t be giving her advice on a subject you barely know anything about.”

 

“ _Hey,_ I’ve been in relationships.” Dahyun hadn't talked to Doyeon about any past relationships, but she'd share some stuff with Jeongyeon. To hear her make assumptions was offensive, and Dahyun was just about ready to tell her to shove it.

 

“Yeah and how long have you been single?” Jeongyeon knew that was a low blow, but she was looking to get a reaction, and she would push until it came.

 

“I’d rather be single than relive my past relationship. _Some_ of us don’t need to be with someone to be happy.”

 

She knew about Jeongyeon’s girlfriends, although she’d only ever met Momo once when the girl had stopped by for a drink, she’d never heard much about Nayeon. They rarely spoke of her, but Dahyun knew she lived out of the city and came to visit often. They were obviously very fond of her, so she figured the girl was nice enough.

 

If her last girlfriend taught her anything, though, it’s that nobody’s ever as _nice_ as they pretend to be, and it’s precisely why she wasn’t interested in taking Jeongyeon’s advice.

 

“Is there _anything_ that brings you joy?” Jeongyeon’s voice rang out once more, breaking Dahyun from her reverie.

 

There was a snort from Doyeon, side-eyeing Jeongyeon as if to say _just give up already,_ but the oldest of the three simply ignored it. 

 

Seeming unbothered, Dahyun was quick to answer, eyes still on the game before her. “Money keeps my friends and I alive, so I'd say there's that.”

 

“There’s more to life than money, Kim.” Taking a sip from the drink in her hand, Jeongyeon decided to leave it at that, rolling a half-melted ice cube around in her mouth as she settled her eyes back to the fighting match on TV.

 

“ _Shit,_ that’s a nice hypothesis Yoo. I’ll let you know if it’s true five years from now.” Striking one ball after another off the table and into their respective sockets, the girl tried her best to focus on the game, unwilling to let Doyeon win this time.

 

“Bet you won’t live to make it that far.” Doyeon’s comment didn’t go unnoticed by Dahyun, who upon hearing it spun on her heel to glare at the taller girl who’d been preparing to take her own shot on the table.

 

“Bet you I will.”

 

“Don’t place bets when the odds aren’t on your side.” She sing-songed, teasing her friend before pushing the cue stick forward, sending another ball into the corner socket.

 

“ _Don’t_ tell me what to do.” They were riling each other up, as they so often did, and Jeongyeon wasn’t in the mood to separate them tonight if either of them starting throwing punches.

 

“You know, I used to think rats were this bar’s biggest annoyance, but then you two came along and I was quick to change my mind.” 

 

The tension was quick to die down and laughter filled the air before once again returning to the calm it was, the raddling of the radiator and songs on the radio replacing their bickering as they finished up their game, starting another one immediately after and so on.

 

Their routine was just like clockwork, and in times where life is uncertain and unpredictable, finding comfort in routines can help people be at ease.

 

 

So that was the night Doyeon decided she’d ask Chaeyoung out. She thought about the different ways she could ask, thought of the different scenarios that could come out of it.

 

Would she get rejected, would the date go horribly wrong, would she run out of things to talk about?

 

She thought of all those things, but what she should have been worrying about is who Chaeyoung would tell when Doyeon asked her to go out on a date with her.

 

Doyeon should have been worried about the beating of her life that would be coming her way, should have been worried about what Tzuyu would do when she found out, and should have known that the girl doesn’t have such a good temper.

 

But she couldn’t possibly have been able to predict that, couldn’t have possibly predicted what would happen when Jae intervened either, or when Dahyun got word of what happened.

 

She couldn’t have known.

 

Couldn’t have known that such a little crush would lead to such a roller coaster of events that would alter all of their lives for years to come.

 

If only she hadn’t taken Jeongyeon’s advice, maybe then all of it could have been avoided. 

 

But was it really Jeongyeon’s fault? 

 

Or was this just a long line of bad karma waiting to strike Doyeon across the face and knock her down?

 

Only time would tell.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proofread this yet and I'll be getting around to it eventually but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
>  
> 
> I'm lazy. Enjoy!
> 
> The song for this chapter is Graveyard Whistling by Nothing But Thieves. That shit hits deep, 10/10 recommend good song to cry to!


	4. Éveillée

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dahyun has nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for nightmares, mentions of blood/drugs/alcohol/substance abuse and sexual assault. Every chapter is a trigger warning though, if you've read this far you should know that.

Nightmares have a way of trapping you in your own mind, like a prisoner with a life sentence. It leaves you feeling vulnerable once you’ve woken up, and the feeling follows you wherever you go. They can bring your biggest fears to a visual experience that you can’t escape from, or they can make you relive past trauma. 

 

It’s like being tortured by your own mind, as if every mental illness you have is coming together to haunt you.

 

Nightmares can bring out feelings you've never felt before by creating images you’ve never witnessed physically. Other times they force you to relive feelings you  _ have _ felt previously and tried to bury deep down under the darkest parts of your memories. 

 

Dahyun almost always has nightmares when she falls asleep. They’re usually memories from her past, her brain choosing to make her relive her worst days instead of taunt her with dreams of giant spiders or showing up to school with no pants on. 

 

Tonight is one of those nights. 

 

In this dream, Dahyun is five. 

 

She’s only been in kindergarten for two weeks. She’s received a happy face sticker every day for her good behaviour and she’s made a friend in her class. A girl named Sana who lives not too far from her and gets dropped off the bus just before Dahyun on their way back home. She thinks Sana is a lot of fun to play with. 

 

When Dahyun walks into her mother’s apartment she’s greeted by the smell of liquor and weed, usually accompanied by a handful of people and a blaring stereo. 

 

She takes her shoes off at the door and sets them by the coat rack along with her backpack, going into the kitchen to grab a packet of shredded wheat .

 

She recognizes some faces, others are new.The coffee table is littered with rolling papers and white bowder, there’s ash on the floor and puddles of alcohol. Dahyun’s learned how to step around them and settles onto a pillow on the floor, ready to eat. 

 

She doesn’t make a noise, and usually that works in her favour, but for some reason her mother’s noticed her entrance and crawls over to the little girl.

 

Dahyun smiles, but before she has time to set her food down and wave she’s being pulled forward.

 

There’s a glass pipe being held up to her lips by her mother’s hand, and another holding her jaw in place so she can’t pull back from the grip. Someone is holding her nose so she can’t breathe through it, leaving her only option to inhale through her mouth, drawing in smoke. 

 

She coughs, feels her throat and lungs burn and beg for air. She needs to breathe, so she inhales again, and again, but she doesn’t get the chance to exhale. 

 

She holds the smoke in, scared that if she exhales she’ll get in trouble and get a beating or worse. The room gets darker, and Dahyun feels the burning sensation in her lungs travel to her legs. It’s spreading like wildfire and she feels faint. 

 

Laughter fills the room and her mom’s voice rings through her ears, 

 

“She’s enjoying it! Look at her, she’s a natural.”

 

Her head is spinning, she feels heavy, like she could fall through the floor. 

 

“You like that, Dahyun?”

 

The words echo in her mind,

 

They’re repeating, growing louder, spiraling out of control as she finally loses her grip on her mother’s arm and falls through the floor, into darkness.

 

“You like that Dahyun?”

 

Those same words again, but this time from a different voice.

 

A younger voice, 

 

There’s a hand on her mouth, fingertips pressing into her left cheek, her jaw throbs from the force and all she can smell is cigarettes.

 

“Yeah, you like it don’t you? You don’t really want me to stop, I know it.”

 

Another hand has been pushed past the elastic band of her tights and fingers are pressing into parts of Dahyun that she’d rather not think about.

 

It’s hard to breathe with her mouth covered and her head pinned against a cement wall, and there’s blood pooling out of her nose from where she’d gotten hit earlier for fighting back.

 

“You pretend not to want it, but look at you taking me in so well. You’re just a fuckin’ tease.”

 

Her girlfriend’s knee is pressed tightly into her hip bone and Dahyun hopes it’ll break and slice through her organs so she can bleed out internally and die instead of suffering through the assault any longer. She gave up trying to push away her assailant long ago, hands bruised and aching now limp at her sides. 

 

She’s crying and the tears have soaked through her already stained white shirt that’s covered in dirt and blood. She wishes someone would step in and put an end to her suffering, but those who are around don’t seem to care, too engrossed in the music or too intoxicated to understand what’s happening in the back of the room.

 

She can see Chaeyoung in the crowd, the girl is jumping with her fist in the air, head falling to the side and mouth hung open, clearly too drunk to be standing but managing anyway.

 

“You think you can break up with me just like that? You can’t leave me, Dahyun, I’ll find you.” 

 

She doesn’t want it. She didn’t want this.

 

There’s a gleam in her girlfriend’s eye and Dahyun knows.

 

 

She knows she can’t run and she can’t hide and she’ll never get to be free,

 

 

There’s an iron grip over her mouth and she can’t speak, she can only struggle for air and let the tears fall down to her collarbones,

 

They’re already littered with wine-tinted lipstick smudges and teeth marks she never asked for,

 

There’s fingers pushing into her that belong to a person she wants nothing more than to run from,

 

Yet she knows she can’t and she never will.

 

“If you ever try to leave me again, I’ll kill you,”

 

She’s gasping for air now, the blood that pooled from her nose is drying and she can smell the iron. She wishes she could just black out or drop dead. 

 

She believes her. She knows her girlfriend isn’t lying, knows she’s capable and willing. She knows how many friends she’s got, how many people other than Dahyun she’s got wrapped around her finger who would do anything for her, even murder.

 

She bites down on her tongue because it’s the only thing she can do, and shuts her eyes so the room will stop spinning.

 

There’s a breath against her neck before she feels lips pressing against her ear,

 

Dahyun has never wanted to jump out of her own skin so badly. She wants to rip it all off and cease to exist.

 

And then there’s the same voice once more, digging itself into the worst parts of her brain and settling down for good,

 

“And when I’m done with you, I’ll kill your friends too.”

 

No!

 

She tries to scream but it comes out as a broken sob.

 

She hates the hand over her mouth, the lips on her neck and the body pressing hers harshly against the wall.

 

She hates her.

 

The hand in her tights retreats and a shiver runs up Dahyun’s spine, it leaves her with a cold feeling,

 

She finds the strength to utter a single word, a lone protest coming out from her dry throat in a raspy voice,

 

“No,”

 

She doesn’t have to say more, she knows the silhouette before her heard. There’s a chuckle, dark and low and dripping with cruelty, before she feels her hate being replaced with regret, her girlfriend’s words threatening the only ounce of security she held onto,

 

“Try it, why don’t you? We’ll see how serious I am.”

 

No.

 

The figure steps away, fades out of sight. Neon lights shining from all directions, illuminating Dahyun’s face, brightening up the blood and tears, the spit dripping from the corners of her mouth. She makes eye contact with Chaeyoung in the crowd, the girl too drunk to really understand what’s happened. She barely spares her a glance, focus returning on the band that’s still playing.

No, no, no.

 

Dahyun’s mind is spiraling again. She feels her eyesight fading, her weight heavier than normal, feet giving out as she slides down the wall, knuckles scraping against the cement surface. The room is spinning and the music is far too loud. There’s no melody, it all just sounds like one loud note, getting louder and louder until she feels like she’ll explode.

 

She places her hands over her ears, attempting to block out the noise. It hurts, it hurts so bad. Dahyun just wants it to stop. The music, the lights, the screaming, the bottles clanging in the distance and the sound of doors slamming.

 

It’s too loud. Too bright. Too strong. Too much.

 

Loud.

 

Bright.

 

Strong.

 

_ Stop! _

 

Dahyun opens her eyes suddenly, an invisible force shaking her from her meltdown. She’s on her feet standing straight up in her mother’s old apartment at the end of their shared mattress. 

 

There’s a feeling of deja-vu, followed by one of alertness, like she shouldn’t be here. Like something’s wrong,

 

It’s night time, but the apartment is anything but asleep. Bright lights are shining in every corner. There’s coloured light bulbs, lamps, lighters being flicked on and off, illuminating faces Dahyun can’t recognize through the thick smoke. 

 

Her chest feels heavy but her feet are light, she doesn’t have control of her own body. She can see that she’s moving, looks down and sees her arms swinging with every step, but she’s not the one doing it. She catches sight of her feet, they’re bare and littered with scratches and dirt, but most importantly they’re tiny. 

 

They’re child-sized.

 

Her eyes flicker upwards before she can process the discovery, and she’s walking through the hallway, heading for the kitchen.

 

The pitter patter of her feet against the cold, broken pieces of tile on the floor gets drowned out by the music blaring from the stereo in the living room, but she turns right into the kitchen before she can begin to care.

 

She’s used to the noise, she thinks, but then again Dahyun can’t really remember anything. 

 

She thinks she must be dreaming, or hallucinating. 

 

Maybe both.

 

Tiny hands grab at the cabinet handles, pulling them open only to be disappointed once again. They’re empty save for the cobwebs. She turns around, there’s loose pills on the floor and puddles of sticky yellow liquid. 

 

Ignoring the rumble in her tummy she leaves the kitchen and heads for the bathroom, deciding she’ll take the little pink pills her moms forces her to take every day so she’ll sleep.

 

Dahyun passes the living room on her way there, catches sight of pipes and syringes on the coffee table, there’s a bong on her mom’s boyfriend’s lap, and his arm is wrapped around the waist of a woman whose face Dahyun’s never seen before.

 

Three people are one the floor, two are on their knees kissing, and there’s one laying under them, groaning. 

 

Dahyun decides she’s not interested in finding out what they’re up to tonight. There’s always tomorrow, but she knows she shouldn’t ask anyways.

 

Still, the curiosity gets to her sometimes, and usually results in a slap to the face or getting her hair pulled as she’s shoved into another room or closet and told to be quiet.

 

She wonders if her mom’s at home tonight or if she’s out at the bar, wonders if she’ll bring back food or if she’ll come home with cigarettes instead.

 

Dahyun knows she just got a pack because her teddy bear and a couple of her spiderman dvd’s went missing, and the next morning her mom came back with a red coloured pack, telling her she doesn’t know what happened to them.

 

But dahyun knows.

 

She pawned them for money just like she did with the other toys her grandmother got her when she visited for christmas.

 

She reaches the bathroom and turns the knob open, pushing through to get in.

 

The counter is the first thing she sees,so she stands on her tippy toes and reaches her hand as far as it will go, tongue sticking out as she finally succeeds in grabbing the orange bottle. The white cap slips off easily enough, her mom taught her how to push and turn, take one pink pill and close it again. She places the pill on her tongue and barely manages to open the faucet. 

 

Dahyun cups her hands together and catches the cold water, then quickly beings it to her mouth making sure not to spill any on the floor. 

 

She hears a whimper, and immediately she knows.

 

She knows she shouldn’t have turned her head, shouldn't have looked. 

 

She should have closed the faucet, wiped her mouth with the hem of her nightgown and went back to her mother’s room.

 

But it’s too late.

 

She looked and now she can’t stop looking. Her eyes are glued to the sight before her.

 

Her mother is lying naked in the grimy bathtub, eyes in slits and drool pooling from the corner of her mouth.

 

Her left arm is hanging off the ledge of the bath, wrists exposed and sliced open. Blood fills the bath and the floor, seeping into the cracks between the tiles. 

 

Dahyun sees the dark purple rings around her mother’s eyes that matches the purple on her lips. She sees the bruises on her knees and on her jaw, but it’s hard to see more than that under the blood.

 

Before she can stop herself, Dahyun is screaming.

 

She doesn’t mean to, really. 

 

It wasn’t intentional. Neither was stepping forward or pressing her hand against her mother exposed wounds.

 

She doesn’t know what she’s doing or why she’s doing it. 

 

That’s what she says to herself anyway, because deep down she knows.

 

She hoped that if she covered the places where the blood was spilling from with her hands then maybe it would have no choice but to stay inside her mother’s body.

 

Maybe then her skin would stop turning purple.

 

Maybe then she’s stop gasping for air every few seconds.

 

Maybe then she’d actually look at her daughter and not through her, glassy half opened eyes unfocused and red.

 

Dahyun doesn’t know how to help but she wants to try.

 

She doesn’t want her mom to be hurt. Even if she’s mean and grumpy most of the time, even if she hits her or bites her, even if she takes too many pills and sleeps for a long time or leaves for days at a time. 

 

Dahyun still loves her mother. Still likes seeing her smile when they feed ducks by the water on rare occasions, or when her mother paints her toes and kisses her cheek and tells her she’s a smart kid, that she’ll go far when she’s older.

 

Dahyun doesn’t want her mom to hurt, she’s been hurt so much already. 

 

But the bleeding doesn’t stop under Dahyun’s tiny palms, and her fingers are turning white from how hard she’s gripping, trying her hardest to help somehow.

 

She looks down, sees that the blood has soaked her nightgown and dribbled onto her feet, and she can feel the pain in her stomach getting worse. 

 

It sends waves of pain to her sides and her head. Dahyun wishes her mom would get up and help her, wishes she could shower the blood off and they could eat some food together. She doesn’t remember the last time she ate or what it was.

 

There’s a bang behind her and Dahyun jolts to the side. Her mom’s boyfriend in finally in the bathroom and Dahyun doesn’t understand what he’s saying, he speaks another language and she’s too small to understand. She just knows he’s angry from the way he’s screaming, she can tell from the spit that flies off his tongue as he yells at her and points a finger to her mother.

 

She’s being smacked across the face before another person interjects. It’s the woman that was sitting on his lap. She’s yelling at him and Dahyun can’t understand what she’s saying either. 

 

She sees the woman pull out a phone and push some buttons, and the man is heading out into the hallway and out of sight. She hopes he’s leaving. She wishes they would all leave so she could be alone with her mom.

 

The woman is crouching in front of her, and Dahyun doesn’t know what she’s doing. She hopes she won’t get hit again, she thinks she might cry if it happens again and she really doesn’t like crying.

 

Then, in her native tongue the lady asks Dahyun if she’s okay, and the little girl nods. 

 

She’s amazed that she can speak like her. She wants to ask her how she knows how to speak like the man and how she understands him but then the woman cuts her off before she has a chance,

 

“We’re gonna take off but I called an ambulance for your mother, can you stay here with her and make sure to open the door for the doctors when they show up?”

 

Dahyun feels hesitant, she knows her mom would be mad if she let anyone into the apartment without permission, and she doesn’t want to make her mad. But there’s a pressing look in the woman’s eyes that scares her even more.

 

It’s concern, or maybe fear.

 

Dahyun’s not very good at differentiating the two.

 

She nods again, and the woman stands, taking one last glance at her mother’s limp body before heading out of the bedroom, the door closing shut behind her.

 

As simple as that Dahyun was left alone with her mother and silence fills the rest of the apartment. 

 

She figures they must have really left, which is surprising because the apartment is almost always full of people.

 

So she does as she was told and waits by her mother’s side, glancing at her from time to time, unsure what to do, until she hears rapid knocking on their front door.

 

She takes hurried steps and lets them in, watches as they rush past her and ask where the victim is. 

 

She watches them pull her mother out of the bathtub,

 

Watches as they try to fit her onto a stretcher in the hallway,

 

Hears a pained cry from the woman,

 

Then she remembers what her mom had told her.

 

Remembers that if the paramedics or police or social workers come into the apartment she’s supposed to hide, and if they saw her then she should run.

 

Dahyun looks at her mom’s body, watches the blood stain their tiles some more.

 

She knows what she has to do.

 

She knows that no one’s paying any attention to her, that the front door is still open, that there’s only a few steps outside and then the brown grass. 

 

She does as she was told, and she thinks she sees her mother open her eyes and smile at her as she’s stepping backwards out the door.

 

It gives her the strength to whip around and take off into a sprint down the street.

 

Her nightgown isn’t enough to cover her legs from the breeze and there’s a chill crawling up her spine but she doesn’t stop running. 

 

Her feet are scraping against the pavement, the little rocks hurt her heels and she’s sure they’re bleeding but she still doesn’t stop.

 

She just runs,

 

and runs,

 

and runs,

 

And then she trips and her knee hits the concrete and she feels the sting all the way down to her heel and through her toes and oh god it hurts,

 

And there’s blood,

 

There’s so much blood.

 

And she doesn’t know which is hers and which is her mom’s but she doesn’t care. 

 

It hurts and she wants to get up and run but she can’t move her leg and her knee is bleeding and she’s thinking of her mom.

 

Dahyun hopes she’s okay,m

 

Despite all of the times she’s seen her mom hurt or had to call an ambulance because of an overdose or a suicide attempt she knows her mom always makes it out okay and comes home eventually.

 

Dahyun’s sitting in the middle of an alleyway, holding her bloodied knee to her chest and taking heavy breaths. She’s not crying despite the pain and she wishes she could just get up and keep running but she can’t.

 

She’s panicking now and she can feel her thoughts going in circles. They’re always going in circles, spinning just like her head when she gets nervous or hungry. 

 

She wonders why her mom always wants to hurt herself, doesn’t she know Dahyun loves her?

 

Doesn’t she know her daughter cares about her and needs her?

 

Without her Dahyun would be alone, there’s no one else to take care of her.

 

Dahyun’s too young to get food on her own, she doesn’t even go to school yet.

 

She wonders why her mom tries so hard to leave Dahyun alone, and why she won’t just take her to the park again so they can paint on the pave with chalk and jump in the water fountain.

 

She feels the tears run down her cheeks now but she’s too exhausted to wipe them off. 

 

She wants her mom.

 

She doesn’t want to be alone.

 

She closes her eyes and she tries to picture her mom, tries to think of her smile and the colour of her eyes and the freckles on her cheeks on either side of her nose-

 

But she can’t.

 

She doesn’t know where to go or what to do, she’s hungry and her body hurts, she’s scared and it’s cold outside. Dahyun doesn’t know when she’ll see her mom again, or when she gets to go back home, but she hopes it’s soon. 

 

Her mom always ends up okay.

 

She has to.

 

Dahyun can’t survive on her own.

 

Can she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My girlfriend helped me write the beginning paragraphs about what nightmares feel like, thank you baby :) <3


	5. Glowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to where we left off.

There’s something about the golden hour, the time of day where the sun hasn’t set yet but is on its way.

 

There’s something about the way the glow of a lighter’s flame seems more intense, the way everything starts making more sense. 

 

Dahyun and Doyeon are camped out on Chaeyoung’s bed, even though the latter is still at school, and they’re puffing on a blunt that the youngest of the three rolled with shaky fingers. One of the batman movies are playing on TV but neither girl is paying it any mind, they’re busy getting lost in the burning sensation that lingers in their throat between every inhale. 

 

The window is cracked open slightly, allowing some of smoke to escape, not that it really matters, and the sound of sirens passing by in a hurry fills the room. 

 

Doyeon is the first to speak.

 

“Damn, I really needed that.” 

 

Dahyun holds the stick up to her friend’s lips, waiting for her to take a last puff before bringing it to her own lips and watching the girl lay back down onto the tiny mattress.

 

She exhales out of her nose, a content sigh following shortly after. 

 

“Yeah, me too. Today sucked.”

 

“Understatement of the century.”

 

Doyeon places an arm behind her head, propping herself up so she can look at the girl next to her. There’s a deep cut below Dahyun’s left eyebrow, and she can see bruises poking out from the extremities of the girl’s white t-shirt. There’s blood stains and spots of mud here and there, a couple rips and tears to complete the look and match her worn out jeans.

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

Dahyun takes a long puff, holds it in for a few seconds while contemplating if she should answer, and then exhales slowly. 

 

“Went to a drop off and got jumped by this group of guys.”

 

Doyeon raises an eyebrow and reaches away from the mattress into her jacket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and motioning at Dahyun to pass her the lighter.

 

“You wanna get back at em? I’ll get some of my friends together, we can hit em up tonight.”

 

Dahyun waves her away, finally finishing her roach and tossing the remains across the room. She grabs the cigarette from her friend’s mouth and takes a puff herself. 

 

“Nah, no need. I was on their block, my fault for trespassing.”

 

The taller of the two sits up and huffs exasperatedly, side-eyeing the older girl. 

 

“You gotta come down to the gym again some day. We can buff you up and get working on your reflexes.”

 

“That shit hole? No thanks. Last time I was there I couldn’t get out of bed for three whole days. Shit hurted.”

 

“You say shit hole like this place is any better. If you’re gonna be someone’s punching bag you might as well make some money out of it.”

 

Dahyun laid back, falling into the pillows and letting the cigarette teeter loosely between her lips.

 

Momo’s gym wasn’t the worst place in the world. She had taught Doyeon some boxing before the girl moved onto straight up street fighting. The difference wasn’t in the punching style, it was in the weapons that were allowed in the streets. 

 

Dahyun had been there before, and had even gotten the chance to spar with one of the club’s members. The girl was just a bit taller than her, had seemed thin so Dahyun thought she’d have a fighting chance, but when Momo rang the bell punched and kicked zipped past and Dahyun ended up face first on the training mat.

 

It took three days for her to be able to get out of bed, sure, but it took almost a week for her to be able to walk without limping. 

 

Doyeon was a member of Momo’s club, she participated in local tournaments and such. Wasn’t so bad. The real money though, was in what she did at night. 

 

See Momo’s club was registered by day as Eight Count, a small boxing gym for the neighbourhood, a few members showing up to get a workout between shifts at work. At night, Eight Count turned into Brawler’s, practiced members turning their gloves in for split knuckles and broken jaws at the feet of men who bet money on the challenger they thought to be the winner. 

 

The meetups were held in the same rotation of 3 locations. The main room of an abandoned molasses factory, a gravel pit on the outskirts of town, and the basement level of an auction showroom. Drug dealers, pimps, gambler’s and white-collar scumbags would gather, drink, and place bets on fighters. There was good money to be made, and fighters never stopped fighting til someone was on the ground, and even then sometimes they had to be pulled apart.

 

This was all organized by the heads of high level martial arts academies. They would invite their own members as well as other club leaders to bring fighters and join in on the fun. Brawler’s happened to have been invited, or more-so threatened into joining. 

 

At first, Momo had declined their offer, not wanting to push her fighters into danger, but then there were threats. The high level academies, namely Haymaker’s and Glass Jaw had broken into her gym, vandalized the place and hurt some members before smashing the main window and exiting. It happened a few more times after that, always growing in aggressive acts. She had no choice but to accept, and pay the mandatory joining fee. What a shitshow.

 

The events were held multiple times a week, never in the same order. The time and place would be announced via Haymaker or Glass Jaw members, showing up to clubs in a group of 3 to collect fees and let leaders know when the fight would be happening. They’d then request a list of names of the fighters that would be coming to the event, decided by the club leader, and if they thought changes should be made or they had commands from the higher ups, they’d make the executive decisions and leaders would just have to follow. 

 

Doyeon was almost always on Momo’s list. She had good fighting skills, and nothing to lose, which made her an excellent candidate and brought in a lot of money for the organization. When Glass Jaw had first seen her in the ring they’d tried to buy her, but Momo firmly declined. She knew they’d pump her full of steroids and cocaine and turn her into a fighting machine, then leave her high and dry when they were done with her. By keeping her at Brawler’s Momo could at least keep an eye on her and make sure she was doing okay. 

 

Momo had been the one to buy her a backpack for school this year, and on days where Doyeon had an empty stomach, the older girl would take her out for ramen or pork ribs. She taught the girl how to defend herself, knowing the streets in this part of town was no place for kids to be left defenseless. They even hungout at Yoo’s on nights where Momo was dropping in to visit her girlfriend Jeongyeon.

 

Dahyun was deep in thought, not having noticed how much time had passed when Chaeyoung came through the door, swinging her school bag onto the floor and flopping onto the mattress. 

 

The young girl rested her head onto Doyeon’s knees and rubbed her eyes with force.

 

“You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had. Kids at school are so fucking  _ stupid _ , I swear.”

 

Doyeon humoured her, enjoying the new atmosphere in the room. “Tell Dr.Phil what troubles you, child.”

 

There was a swat to her chin and a vocal complaint about the attack before Chaeyoung settled back down onto her bent knees. “Fuck off. And don’t call me child, I’m older than you.”

 

“Physically maybe, but not maturity wise.” Another swat, and then protests from Doyeon, “See! You’re a toddler with blue hair and a switchblade.”

 

“Will you shut up now? I need to vent about my day. And what’s wrong with teardrops over here?” She poked the three drawn-on drops under Dahyun’s eyes, gaining the girl’s attention and startling her. “Wow, how high are you right now, on a scale of 1 to 10?”

 

Dahyun rubbed the spot Chaeyoung had poked at, rubbing the permanent marker residue around her cheek, the black ink mixing with the bruises that were already taking on a blue-ish hue.  “When did you get here?”

 

“She’s been like that ever since I found her outside. Got fucked pretty bad by some Haymaker kids on Jung’s block. Gave her some kief to chill out.” 

 

Dahyun laughed, finally taking in how high she felt, “They took my shoes,” She wiggled her toes, showing off the holes in her dirty socks. 

 

Chaeyoung grinned along, patting Doyeon’s legs so she’d lay them down flat and allowing the older of the two to climb up and cuddle into her side. 

 

Dahyun watched the two, they seemed comfortable, they always did, and she was happy they had each other. She wondered if Doyeon had talked to Chaeyoung about her feelings yet, wondered if Chaeyoung felt the same. 

 

Doyeon caught sight of Dahyun’s smirk, and squinted her eyes. “You better shut your mouth, Kim.”

 

Dahyun simply smiled and looked out the window, watching the glowing sun rays peek through the room and cascade down onto the cracked floor boards with awe. “I didn’t say a word.”

 

“Consider what I said before, take a few days to think about it if you need to.”

 

Dahyun thought back to the gym, to the money she could make, to Tzuyu and Chaeyoung who she had to make sure didn’t go without money if they needed anything. It made her feel heavy, like there was an invisible weight on her shoulders that she couldn’t shake. She never asked to be put in charge of their well being, and it felt like she had a whole lot to lose if she didn’t take the offer and get some more cash fast. 

 

“What did you say before?” Chaeyoung’s voice was quiet, soft and sleepy, Dahyun knew she was on her way to passing out. 

 

“Don’t worry about it, you had a shitty day. Sleep it off.” Came Doyeon’s reply, running her fingers through Chaeyoung’s hair. 

 

“Hey, you got any kief left?” Dahyun was quickly given a dime bag and a pipe, and with ease packed herself a bowl. 

 

She sparked the lighter and brought the piece close to her mouth, inhaling quickly and holding it in. She thought about what Doyeon said, about Chaeyoung, about Tzuyu, about rent and work and Sana. She held it in a little longer, and when she finally let it out she felt a little lighter.

 

She did it again, and again until the powder was gone. 

 

Then when she couldn’t hear Chaeyoung’s snoring or Doyeon’s fingers tapping on her phone screen she let herself lie down and stare out the window. She stared directly into the sun and felt the heat on her face, she let the warmth envelop her and take her somewhere, elsewhere.

 

Anywhere was better than here.

 


	6. Ensemble

It’s one night at 2 am that Dahyun makes the decision. 

 

Her and Doyeon have broken into a stranger’s house to steal their copper wires and pipes, and it’s not until their duffel bags are filled to the brim that the older of the two speaks up. 

 

“I’ll go with you to the gym.”

 

Doyeon almost falls off of the chair she’d been standing on, almost drops the hacksaw in her hand and nearly screams from the shock.

“Wait, really?”

 

Dahyun sighs and lets her shoulders fall, “Yeah, fuck it. I could use the money.” 

 

“Fuck yeah!” Doyeon gets down from her chair and slaps Dahyun on the back in encouragement. “Dude this is gonna be so cool, you and me fucking people up except we get paid even more to do it at Rift’s.”

 

Dahyun perks up, confused. “Rift’s?”

 

“Yeah, that’s what it’s called. It’s like fight club, but we call it the rift.”

 

Oh, alright. Seems fine.

 

“So, when do we go?”

 

“Tomorrow night. Man, you’re gonna make Momo so happy. She’s been asking me when you’d come back ever since Mina beat the shit out of you.”

 

Dahyun remembers. She doesn’t think she could forget that day. 

 

She shrugs and zips up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder as Doyeon does the same with hers. They’re careful when climbing out of the window, quiet even though there’s no one home. They don’t really talk on the walk back to Yoo’s, but they don’t really talk much in general. 

 

They work well together, Dahyun knows that, it’s why they even stand each other in the first place. She wonders if they’d even be friends if not for Jae’s. The house might be a shitshow but she’s made quite some friends along the way that she’s grateful for. 

 

Lately things at Jae’s have been…  _ off. _

 

The man’s been bringing in some new faces, some very young and some much older than the norm. Dahyun doesn’t like the feeling she gets knowing there’s a 14 year old girl living in the room next to Chaeyoung who’s selling herself to old men Jae finds here and there. And she’s not even the youngest out of the new kids.

 

_ Kids. _

 

Dahyun hates the way the word sounds used in that context. They’re kids, all of them. And this man, Jae, he profits off of them in cruel ways. She didn’t think of it as much before, being so desperate for money and a place to stay, but things are different now.

 

She’s spent enough time with him to learn that he’s not sorry, in fact it makes him happy to do it. He even uses some of the girls for his own pleasure, which she recently discovered when he invited her to have a threesome with a 15 year old girl up in her room. 

 

Dahyun obviously turned him down which sparked a fit of rage she’d only seen him have a few times before about money.

 

But ever since that day Dahyun’s been avoiding him whenever possible. He hasn’t been giving her any work, so she picks up whatever she can from Yoo’s, but it’s not enough to keep food on the table for both her and Chaeyoung. 

 

The younger of the two hasn’t been working for Jae either since schoolwork has been piling up, so Dahyun had taken on the responsibility of caring for her. She’d walk her to school and pick her up when it was done most days, and take her out to eat or bring her cooked meals from home. 

 

Tzuyu had been a no show for a while. She’d gotten more shifts at the call center she worked at and had been working til 1 am every night, only a 30 minute break to ease up the 10 hour shifts she’d been having. She came to Jae’s maybe once a week, if at that. 

 

Doyeon had been spending more time with Momo and at the gym, so Dahyun had been taking jobs on alone. It wasn’t fun, but it didn’t matter, really.

 

Some days she’d get an address and a description of a face and figure, then walk over and try and locate the person. She’d be instructed to harass them for money, or just stomp the shit out of them. When she’d get back to Yoo’s, she’d make a call to inform her contractor that the job was done, and he’d send someone over with the money he promised. 

 

Other days she’d take up watching over a local convenience store to ensure no burglars or thugs caused any trouble. Sometimes people came in with knives, guns, or just empty paper bags in the shape of one. Other times they’d come in and kick shelves down, steal cigarettes or bottles from the refrigerator or light firecrackers in the back. 

 

She hung around the store, sitting on a chair near the cash register where the owner was posted, watching over everyone that came in and interfering if things took a turn. 

 

It was an easy job. 

  
  


“Y’know I got offered to hit this lick the other day, 300 bucks in cash, 100 in advance too.” Doyeon speaks through the smoke that comes out with every word, puffing her cigarette at the end of her sentence. 

 

“What’re the details?”

 

“Curly brown hair, 180cm, walks with a limp cause his left leg is shorter than his right, last name Wong. Owes this dude Kim 2k for a quarter piece of coke he never paid off.”

 

“Sounds tempting, any specifics on the face to face?”

 

“Said it was up to me, I was thinkin’ baseball bat to the knees, smash em’ in and take his wallet on the way out. Gone within 5 so we can get a drink from Yoo’s and get paid before the end of the night.” 

 

She takes another inhale, and puffs it out before Dahyun has time to blink. “I really wanna properly introduce the two of you, share the good news and all.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

 

“So, you wanna stop by Jae’s on the way to Yoo’s? I wanna check if he’s got any work for me yet. It’s been a couple of days.” 

 

“Nah, not really. You go on ahead, I’ll see you at Yoo’s.”

 

“Alright. Catch you later!” Doyeon doesn’t wave her off, just takes off running down an alley and out of sight within seconds. 

 

Dahyun huffs, rotates her shoulders and focuses on the cracks of the sidewalk as she walks.

 

 She still feels the ache in her ribs from where those Haymaker fucks had kicked her, still feels the throbbing in her leg from where they’d stepped on her. She shouldn’t have been on their block, she knew, but she’d gotten asked to check on this guy over on St.Marcos street and remind him about his payments. She didn’t usually take offers that were in other gang territory but she’d figured one time wouldn’t hurt.

 

She was wrong. It hurt like a bitch.

 

There was a stabbing pain in her left calf every time she took a step, intensifying when there was any extra weight put on it.

 

Dahyun kicks a rock into the shadows and groans, exhausted with everything in her life. She tries to convince herself that the feeling will pass tomorrow. Maybe it’s just a bad night. 

 

Maybe.

 


	7. Run It

The energy you receive from the city on a friday night is much different than any other weeknight. Everyone’s gotten paid, they’re clocked out and ready to get fucked up and escape their reality. 

 

Mondays are different. They’re quiet, the streets are almost deserted. Everyone’s gone home after a long day back from their weekend vacation.

 

Dahyun’s in the backseat of a Mitsubishi Lancer with a bong in her lap, lighter in her right hand and hidden from view by the tinted windows. She flicks the flint wheel and breathes in slow, letting the smoke fill her lungs.

 

Doyeon’s in the passenger seat, bopping her head to the tune of a Kevin Gates song Dahyun faintly remembers the name of. The beat is calming, and so she exhales as the hook comes through the speakers. 

 

In the driver’s seat is Jihyo, some middle class kid from their highschool whose parents shower in crisp Air Force One sneakers and washed out Robin’s. There’s a light gray hoodie pulled over her head, covering her short hair and raybans docked over bloodshot eyes. 

 

She’s older than Dahyun by a year, but they’re in the same school grade. Repetition or whatever.

 

Dahyun thinks the shades make the girl look like a douchebag, but she won’t tell her that. Jihyo wouldn’t even hear her over the bass in the speakers. The seats vibrate and rumble as they drive, zipping through streets and rolling over potholes with ease. 

 

Doyeon has been friends with Jihyo for quite some time. They first met when the younger girl started selling her weed, she’d always rip her off and eventually Jihyo caught on. They’re cool about it now though.

 

Dahyun met Jihyo at a party with Doyeon, and the three hit it off pretty well. 

 

The brunette is a student-tutor and doesn’t really have much of a reputation, except she got caught smoking behind the school’s garden once by a janitor. 

 

Jihyo seemed like a bitch at first, which naturally caught Dahyun’s attention. 

 

Her don-look-at-me-or-I’ll-cut-you attitude mixed with her parents’ wealth drew in the wrong crowd, and with time she stopped trying so hard to impress her teachers. Her grades never really suffered, but instead of volunteering at the library after school she now goes to the smoker’s joint outside the school and hangs out with whoever’s there, usually Doyeon.

 

They’ve taken up the habit of going out for night drives, rolling all the windows down and blaring music out of the speakers. They’ll get some takeout, drive up to the top of the city for the view and hotbox the car. 

 

Sometimes they’ll drive to the oceanside, drink and pass out til sunrise. Then Jihyo drives them all home and heads to school. Her attendance is much neater than the other two girls.

 

They’ve grown close these past couple of weeks. Going out for drives a couple times a week. Dahyun and Doyeon even showed up to school for once so the three could have lunch together by the soccer field and smoke before Jihyo’s next class. 

 

Jihyo encourages her two friends to attend classes, and sometimes they listen, but more often they don’t. She’s even offered to tutor Dahyun for her science classes, and told Doyeon she should join a school club. 

 

Sometimes they even bring Chaeyoung along on drives. 

 

Tonight though, things are different. 

 

They pull up to a red light and there’s a moment of silence, when the song comes to its climax, all three girls turn their heads to the right, locking eyes with a man who looks to be in his early twenties. 

 

He’s got glossy black Louboutins on his feet, they catch Dahyun’s eye first, and then she looks up and sees his watch. The diamonds reflect the street lights glow, and they shine brighter than her eyes do in that moment. She slides the bong onto the carpeted floor, lost in thought.

 

Doyeon acts first.

 

There’s a pistol pulled out from the glovebox, pointed at the figure dressed head to toe in black. 

 

“Give us your watch, pretty boy.” The music’s been turned down, allowing her voice to ring out through the rolled-down passenger window. 

 

Dahyun stares on, watching the scene unfold with a half opened mouth. She thinks she’s uncomfortable, but she’s not sure yet. Her vision is blurred, and she can't feel her face.

 

Doyeon’s aim is steady, despite the shaking pupils she hides behind her sunglasses. She's on edge, she's got too many narcotics in her body.

 

“Are you deaf? Give me the fucking watch!”

 

This is what life is like when you grown up in the hood. It seems awful, and it is. It's how they were raised, and they haven't known anything different. 

 

The man blinks and takes off in a sprint, his messenger bag gripped tightly in his left hand as he runs across the street. The soles of his shoes slap against the sidewalk as he runs.

 

Jihyo laughs, seemingly unphased by his reaction, and puts the car in drive. 

 

The Lancer accelerates fast, Dahyun hears her change gears with ease and they catch up to him within seconds. Doyeon turns the music up loud and hangs her upper body out the window, waving the pistol around and Dahyun wonders if she’s gonna fall out. 

 

The beat to Chariot of Fire pierce their eardrums.

 

The two girls in the front of the car are screaming and laughing, watching the poor man struggling to keep up his pace as they drive next to him. He’s got nowhere to hide, they’re on a bridge and his only option is to swim with the fish.

 

Doyeon is feeling brave, she fires a single shot into the air. The bullet flies straight up into the atmosphere. They never see it come back down. 

 

Dahyun’s too high to function properly, she forgets what she wants to say just as she thinks of it.

 

“Hey,” She sits up a bit, tugs the collar of her t-shirt cause it’s pressing hard against her neck, “Wha- what if he falls-”

 

She’s not done her sentence before she watches him let go of the bag in his hand, watches as he trips over his own feet and smacks his head off the railing.

 

She sees it all in slow motion.

 

Left hand gripping at the leather seat and eyes widening as his body stretches over the ledge, as he’s catapulted over the rail and out of sight.

 

Jihyo slams the breaks.

 

She doesn’t hear his body fall. She doesn’t hear the splash, doesn’t hear anything except the song playing. 

 

He’s gone just like that.

 

The pounding of her heart and the bass finally match up.

 

Same tempo.

 

Same depth.

 

**_“Range boy,_ **

 

**_Get a grip.”_ **

 

Get a grip.

 

Get a…

 

_Grip._

 

She almost rips through the leather from how hard she’s gripping the seats. She hears the words echo over and over and the music doesn’t get any quieter.

 

Fuck.

 

She just watched someone fall off a bridge. 

  
  


Jihyo and Doyeon aren’t screaming anymore. The car isn’t moving. 

 

There’s no other traffic. The bridge is deserted.

 

Someone just died.

 

He  _died._

 

And it was their fault.

 

It’s their fault.

 

It doesn’t matter if Doyeon gets out of the car and runs over to the railing. 

 

It doesn’t matter if Jihyo takes off her shades to get a better look at the scene. 

 

Doesn’t matter if the bong water has spilled all over the carpet. 

 

He died.

 

It’s their fault. Nothing can change that.

 

Nothing will ever change that. They know.

 

That’s why Doyeon strides back over to the car, why she shakily stuffs the pistol back into the glovebox and slams it shut. 

 

Jihyo stares at her, mouth hung open, eyes glazed over. Dahyun thinks she’s gonna say something, but then she shuts her mouth. 

 

She slowly turns her head towards the front, eyes fixed on the steering wheel. 

 

Doyeon looks at Jihyo, then back at Dahyun. 

 

Jihyo speaks. Her voice trembles with every word. They pretend not to notice.

 

“Do you think he’ll swim out?”

 

“Are you fucking dumb? Did you not see how hard he hit his head?!”

 

“Well he has to come out eventually.”

 

“He’s  _dead,_  Park.”

 

“No, he can’t be dead-”

 

“He’s dead! He’s fucking gone!”

 

“But-”

 

“We  _killed_  him.”

 

Nobody interjects. Nobody says a fuckin’  _word_. 

 

They know she’s right. They killed him. They didn’t even know him. Didn’t know his name or where he came from. 

 

Dahyun wonders if he had a family, if he was on his way home to them.

 

Jihyo wonders if the street lights had cameras, if they caught her plate number.

 

Doyeon is the one who notices a shadow in her peripheral view. She catches sight of movement to her right and looks out the passenger window. 

 

The man is on his knees, crawling towards them. 

 

He made it.

 

He’s alive.

 

He’s alive and breathing and moving and-

 

He’s alive.

 

He survived, and he’s looking straight into the passenger window towards Doyeon who is staring at him in a mix of disgust and shock.

 

He survived which means he’s not dead, which means he’s conscious and is aware of what’s happened to him-

 

“Put it in drive! Fucking move-”

 

Doyeon isn’t even done talking when Jihyo slams her foot against the clutch, hand wrapping over the stick shift and sending them off down the road.

 

She takes a hard left and accelerates down the street. Street lights look like shooting stars as they zoom past, forgotten as quickly as they’re seen.

 

They drive fast and they drive the fuck out of the neighbourhood, back into a block that’s more familiar to them. 

 

Doyeon and Dahyun get dropped off at Jae’s after the three make a pact never to speak of the incident again.

 

Jihyo prays that night.

 

Prays that he won’t remember their faces. She smokes a couple grams and goes to bed. She has tutoring early the next morning.

 

Dahyun doesn’t stop smoking. She goes straight for her ziplock bag full of hash in the bottom of her backpack when she walks through the doors at Jae’s. She doesn’t want to think or feel. 

 

She doesn’t stop when clouds of smoke surround her, they’re trapped in the room and wrap around her body to comfort her. The clouds take the shape of his ghost in the corner of the room, she doesn’t mention it. 

 

Doyeon crushes up a few vicodins and shapes lines with her student ID card. They burn the inside of her nose and she coughs, spits into the trash can by the window.

 

They sleep in Chaeyoung’s room. Nobody says a word and Chaeyoung doesn’t ask where they’ve been or what happened. They pile onto the bed in a tangled mess of limbs and hair. 

 

Dahyun swears she hears Doyeon cry in the middle of the night.

 

Doyeon will never admit to it.

 

They don’t check the news the next day, they don’t talk about it either. Nobody comes looking for them. Nobody knows but them.

 

They don’t bring it up the next time Jihyo picks them up to go for a drive. 

 

Doyeon doesn’t touch the glovebox again. 

 

Dahyun buys Jihyo a pine tree air freshener to make up for the spilled bong.

 

They don’t talk about it again, but it doesn’t mean they forgot.

 

They just have to suffer in endless torment, wondering if anyone will ever come looking for them, if anybody but them even knows.

 

It’s Hell.


	8. Afterlife

I’m sitting in my friend’s car but I’m not really there. Mentally I’m in another place and I’m well aware.

 

I think my friends look happy, they always do when we go out for drives. They roll the windows down and crank the music up. 

 

They pass a couple blunts and start laughing with more feeling. I join in too but what I f feel is different.

 

I start to think about who I am,

 

What I am.

 

Where I’m going and why I’m here. Where everyone came from and if anybody is even real.

 

I think I get too damn serious when I smoke, that’s why I try and stay away from weed. 

 

Even if I try and run from it, I always end up right here.

 

When I’m coming down off my Ritalin, it’s the only thing I need. I gotta smoke a gram or two, just to make my mind clear.

 

I need something to calm this restlessness I feel. Something to help with the visions, to put me at ease.

 

I’ll sit around and feel nothing, they say the drugs do that. It’s the comedown that's worse, but they’ll pretend they don’t know that. 

 

I have to get high cause if I don’t I’ll feel nothing, and then I’ll think I could jump off a bridge or into traffic, and not feel a thing.

 

Then I start to wonder what would happen if I died. 

 

Would I go somewhere or cease to exist, would my body get crushed, would I even feel it?

 

I think of these things and my bones begin to shake when I realize I don’t know what happens when I’m not awake.

 

I need to get this high so I don't overthink about the afterlife.


	9. Beepers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoplifting is justifiable when it's for the ones you love.

Dahyun grew up doing petty theft, stealing ramen from convenience stores to make it through the week or a jacket from a thrift store to keep her warm in the colder months. 

 

It was always for survival, that’s what she would tell herself. Until it wasn’t. 

 

Until it was because she wanted to help someone she loved. 

 

When Sana and Dahyun were cramped in her mom’s bachelor pad, barely surviving off microwavable meals and having to heat up water on the stove to take hot baths.

 

Dahyun stole because Sana talked about trying to enroll herself back into school, after having failed her first year of high school. She was worried she’d get picked on for not having nice clothes.

 

And Dahyun thinks Sana’s clothes are just fine but she knows, deep down, that the other kids at school probably will pick on her.

 

Sana has good looks, but they’ve been sharing the same damn three shirts between them and one of them is a long sleeved shirt they use on cold nights. Those nights when even sleeping glued to each other doesn’t warm them up, because the heater’s broken, and the window frames have cracks in them that let in the wind and the rain and the snow and-

 

And Dahyun stole.

 

Dahyun stole some clothes for Sana.

 

She brought Sana with her to the mall, had her try on some pieces and tell her which ones she liked best. 

 

And then she came back another day, took those same pieces, then took a second pile of those same pieces when the clerk wasn’t paying attention, and went into the changing room. 

 

The items had electronic tags, but the store itself didn't have any scanners at the front, so she could walk out without setting off any alarms. As long as she didn’t visit any stores in the mall that did have alarms, she’d be fine. 

 

She stuffed the items into her backpack. Put two t-shirts on under her own clothes, stuffed a pair of socks down her pants, and walked out of the changing room with the second pile of items. The decoys.

 

She placed them on the counter and waved to the clerk who’d been walking back into the store from the backroom. 

 

Dahyun yelled,  _“They fit well but I left my wallet in my car so I’ll come back in a few!”_  

 

Then she walks out, sets a fast but unsuspicious pace for the main doors and when she’s out, takes off into a sprint. 

 

She doesn't have enough money to bus home, but she got the clothes and that's all that matters.

 

Dahyun committed a crime for Sana.

 

And she regrets nothing.

 

It's all worth it when Sana walks in that night to find all the items sprawled on their shared bed.

 

She’s squealing and jumping up and down while holding a hoodie, happy to finally have something warm to wear during the cold weather. 

 

Dahyun’s happy that Sana’s happy. 

 

She’ll never tell her how many times the beepers on the clothes cut her skin when she finally pried them open, or the ones she had to melt off with a lighter, the ones that exploded and stuck pins in her fingers. 

 

She would do it all over again just to see Sana as happy as she was in that moment, close to tears over something as simple as clothes that finally fit her.


End file.
